100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Tagged Shmagged

Last Thursday I was tagged by Sassywho, who then tagged KC Sponge, who tagged Erin, who then tagged me again, and that is how I know Kevin Bacon!

In this one I have to tell 8 secrets about me “The D” (HI! That’s me, nice to meet cha’!).

#1. When I was in the Marine Corps stationed at Camp Pendleton California, I got in trouble for being 2 minuets late for a formation. I told the platoon sergeant that I was late because “I was born late and I have been late ever since” He didn’t think that was funny (but the rest of the platoon did) one bit. I had to stand NJP or “Office Hours” (the Navy calls it “Captains mast”, the army calls it Article 15) which is like court. I was put on barracks restriction (grounded) for 7 days. I could not leave the barracks except for meals and church. This is why I don’t have a Good Conduct Medal. Yea, that sucked. But I’m still smartin’ off!! And I still think the whole situation is funny.

#2. In one of the best fist ta’ cuffs that I had with The Sis. I went after her with a baseball bat. At the time I swore I was going to bash her head in (I was that pissed) but she ran into her room and locked the door. So I went after the door with the bat. Bashed 3 holes in it and then left. Mom gets home I’m grounded Sis gets off scott free. I don’t remember what we were fighting about. But I’m glad I didn’t catch her with that bat.

#3 I once shot a bird with a bee-bee gun that my mother didn’t know that I had. Me, being the family genius that I am, took the bird in the house and started chasing my sister with it. She flipped out and started running all over the house yelling and screaming. When mom got home from work or wherever she was, The Sis ratted me out and I was grounded AGAIN!

#4 This one isn’t really a secret. One of the first times I was drunk was at a party my older brother K-DAWG had in the now defunct 7th Street Travelodge in KCK (the EPA building is there now). I was a sophomore in high school. K-Dawg was in college at KCKCC. Of course he bought the beer. At that time (fall of 1986) I’m pretty sure the drinking age was still 18 but I might be wrong. Anyway, we were all wasted and screwing around I was jumping from one bed to the other when this big friend of his stood up between the beds. I was in mid air and smashed right into him breaking my collar bone like a twig. I stood up and knew that there was something wrong with my left arm but was so wasted that I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I found my brother and asked him to feel both of my collar bones. He did and then FLIP-OUT! “YOU FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!! MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME!! THAT FUCKERS BROKE!” So we went to the hospital and took x-rays. I remember seeing Mom yelling at K-dawg though the window in a door as I was walking toward them after being discharged with my left arm in sling. (Still feeling no pain). Guess what K-Dawgs punishment was for taking me out drinking? That’s right moms favorite, GROUNDED! Of course I was grounded too for drinking. She was PISSED! I ended up missing the entire wrestling season for it. I did not drink again until senior graduation, and I haven’t stopped since.

#5 This one is about the worst beating (spanking) I have ever received. It was a nice spring day, not to hot, not to cold. I must have been around 10-12 years old. We were all out in the back yard playing baseball. I was standing on second base. I don’t remember who the batter was, the hit was a soft grounder to the short stop I ran for third and slid head first like Pete Rose. Everyone called me out. But I know I was safe. I stood up picked up the base and slammed it in to the ground while yelling “BULLSHIT”!!! Just as the base hits the grass I hear what most people would describe as a sound from the devil himself scream “DARREN… GET IN HERE!!!!” My Dad was standing on the deck watching us play and I didn’t know it. Man, was he pissed! I immediately start to cry, because I knew what was coming, a good old fashioned ass whoopin’ and boy did I get one. I remember him yelling “NO SON OF MINE IS GONNA TALK LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE FUCKER! (no, he didn’t call me that). And of course… I was grounded.

#6 The details of this story have been a source of debate in my family ever since it happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. This is the Gods honest truth as I know it happened. My family left me to die in the Macy’s Department store on the Plaza. I can see it know, I was standing looking at a rack of ladies clothes, the entire family was there shopping for whatever entire families shop for. I did not move, I stood there like I was told to, next thing I know no one is around, not a soul. “Mom”! I shout. “Dad?” No response whatsoever, I begin to search for the parental units. I’m too short to see over the racks of clothes. I keep shouting Mom!? Dad?! No response, I even shout for the siblings, no response from any of them either. I begin to cry, after all I am a little kid. I leave the store thinking that they left me. I then quickly develop a life plan of revenge on all of them! Step one: kill a wine-o and take all his shit. Step two: eat as many happy meals as I can. As I was walking around the outside of the store the po-pos found me crying and most likely sucking my thumb. They ask me “Where are your parents?” I reply “I DON”T FUCKIN’ KNOW!” DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKIN’ KNOW WHERE MY GAWD DAM PARENTS ARE FOR CHRIST SAKES?” Remember I’m like 5 years old. (O.k. so I didn’t scream that). I get into their car and we drive around for what seamed like hours. I tell them what my Dad was wearing, “Green pants (most likely polyester) and a white shirt.” They ask me if I remember where the car was parked. I did not remember where the car was parked but I do remember that it was green Chevy station wagon with wood panel trim. They give me a Snickers bar and let me wear their hat. Mmmmm, that makes me feel better about my family abandoning me on the mean streets of Kansas City. As we are driving down a hill I see my dad walking up the hill with the rest of the family in tow. They’re eating ice cream, laughing, and having a grand old time! (O.K I made that last part up.) They were all crying and so was I. Bla, bla, bla we lived happily ever after. But I do think my Mom grounded my Dad for so reason.

#7 The neighborhood that I grew up in had a lot of empty lots and wooded areas. One of said wooded areas ran parallel with the Parallel Parkway in K.C.K. between 78th street and 83rd street. The area has houses on it now but when I was a rambunctious teenager we used to sneak out of the house late at night and, depending on the weather, it would either be show balls or water balloons. We had this sling shot that required 3 people to operate it. Any way, we would use said sling shot to loft the projectiles on to cars that were driving down the road. One time, we hit one right on the hood, and it stopped right in the middle of the street with a screeeeech! The dude got out of his car and came running after us. But because of our camouflaged location he had no idea where we were. We were so cocky that we didn’t even run from him. We just hit in the darkness under a couple piles of leaves. But we never got caught so I never did get grounded for it. If my mother reads this I bet she’ll ground me now.

#8 This one is lame. I save the largest french fries and eat them last.

I hereby declare that I am not going to tag anyone because this has to stop some where and it might as well be here.

Thanks for reading!

This post is exactly 1500 words in length. Right NOW!