100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

My sister sent me these questions. Not quite sure why she know all of the answers to them. But I don’t think ya'll do.

Feel free to copy and paste them and put them in your own blog.

Q. What were you doing 10 years ago?
A. Living in an apartment with a roommate in Overland Park, Kansas. Designing fire sprinkler systems for Union Station

Q. What were you doing 1 year ago?
A. Working for the same company I work for now, but NOT designing fire sprinkler systems any more. But still doing CAD drafting

Five snacks you enjoy:
1)Peanut butter and Jelly Sammiches
2)King Size Snickers
4)Honey Nut Cheerios
5)Diet Coke

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1)Motley Crue – Home Sweet Home
2)Super Troopers - ABBA (don't ask)
3)Eruption – Van Halen (see that’s funny b/c that song doesn’t have any lyrics)
4)Since you Been Gone - Rainbow
5)Beautiful Disaster – Kelly Clarkson

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
2)Set up my family forever
3)Pay doctors to find out what is going on in comma patients heads and how to wake them up. And repair any damage to the brain.
4)Get my own personal chef
5)Help the homeless to get off the streets

Five bad habits:
2)Drinking too much
3 )I’m incredibly sloppy!!!
4) Interrupting people

Five things you like doing:
3)Sleeping (or I should say napping)
4)Reading Sports magazines
5)Catching up with people that I don’t get too see very often

Five things you would never wear again:
1)Velcro sneakers
2)Those fake turtle neck things
4)Big collared shirts
5)A baby onezies

Five favorite toys:
1)G.I. Joe
2)Pose able Lone Ranger and Silver
4)Lincoln Logs


Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Ranch

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendy’s

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Bulldog Café, Cigar Box, Capini’s

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. Depends on the service but never less than 20-25%

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Capini’s Chicken Parm

Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. Extra


Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A picture that a friend drew that has a skull blowing fire that spells out USMC. Onthe top ot says Corporal Darren H. (last name) I would get it as a tattoo if I had 500 bucks to burn.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. 2 a 51” and a 27”


Q. What’s your best feature?
A. Is my AWESOMENESS a feature? Shoulders, Humor

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Besides boogers and poo…no

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Smell, because I think my “shit don’t stink”

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Never

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. When I in the Marine Corps I was deployed aboard the U.S.S. Peleliu in 1993 (to Somolia) I benched pressed 300 pounds twice

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. No I’m too much of a bad ass for that.


Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. No, otherwise I would spend all my time trying to avoid it.

Q. Is love for real?
A. Not so far, but I hope so

Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. No I don’t know any one with the same name.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Flesh, (HAHAHA), Umm blue

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. No that’s di-sgusting EW (but I know a few girls that have)

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. No, not on purpose any way. Maybe though what I told them.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Nope


Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. If its tax free, sure and I get to pick the city. NO CAMERAS ALOUD

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. No

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. The hole-finger? (Get it, hahahaha)

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Tax free sure But I would still send out these post as emails and have some one else post them.

Q. Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000?
A. What is with all these nudie questions? Yes, but the magazine would go out of business

Q. Would you eat a whole pickle for $1000?
A. GIRL, YOU DONE BUMPED YO HEAD! I think we all know the answer to this one.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Yes, that fuck Fred Phelps

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. Maybe then I could blog more

Q. Give up MySpace forever for $30,000?
A. Yes, I would go to face book


Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. My underwear does not have pockets

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I am a tetherball champion

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Carpet

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. No

Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A. None Flip flops are for girls, and the gay’s, I’m neither

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. When My car was stole from Quicktrip in 2005 (long story)

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. I’m 36 if I’m not a grown up yet then I will never be.


Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Lonnie Anderson (not her real name)

Q: Last person you called?
A. Lonnie


Q. First place you went this morning?
A. Bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Get drunk at the Brigade game tomorrow night. And hit on the Cheerleaders

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A: The Good Shephard

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I am to the Ladies!

Have a good weekend ya'll, try not to miss me too much.