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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Wacky Wednesday Part 1 of 2

Hi, Folks! Thanks for stopping buy I really appreciate you reading my blog and putting up with my grammar and spelling errors. It is quite a choir I know.

On Wednesday of this week I went back to the Doctor: here is the lowdown on that visit.

I walk into the office and notice that there is no one at the desk. I ring the bell, but I ring it in away so that it does not bring any attention to me. So instead of a roaring DING!!!! I keep my hand on the bell as I push the button on the top and get more of a dink, so I continue to stand the like a jerk for another 5 of 10 minuets. You can see were this appointment is going, right?

Farah comes from the back she says “Hi, Darren!” (that’s my real first name if you have not noticed) and acts as if she is excited to see me.

I respond “Hey Farah, it’s really nice to see you again. I am surprised that you remembered me from last week, thanks”

“You were here last week? Oh, I didn’t remember you I just looked at the schedule before you got here. Did you know that your appointment was not until 2 o’clock?”

{Swing and a miss - strike one for our hero, The D!}

“Umm, Yes I am just here 30 minuets early because I wanted to make sure all of my paper work was correct for insurance proposes.” (LIE!!! I thought the appointment was at 1:45 but if I was a smart man instead of a complete buffoon that I actually am then I would of said something like. “Of course, I am aware I am early. I just wanted to spend some time with the prettiest nurse in town. (wink wink). Or I would have said some other lame pick up line.

{The D watches this pitch go by STRIKE TWO for our hero, The D!}

Farrah finishes checking me in and I have a seat in the waiting area. While waiting I watch the 49ers beat the Broncos in the Superbowl in the 1980’s on one of the 3 flat screens in the waiting area. I think to my self (self you should get one of those flat screen TV’s) But then I remind my self that I would have to sell my 51” rear projection T.V. first in order to get a flat screen.

My mind wanders when I am bored.

A blond woman comes from behind a door and calls my name. I think to my self “YES, I finally won something awesome!” sadly I did not, it’s just another nurse to escort me back to the exam rooms. She was blond and only half way cute, she did not even tell me her name to me so I could not tell you her name so we will call her Blondie (like the singer).

We stop off at the scale.

She says “Hop, right on up on this scale, please”

“No, I don’t want too I think your scale is busted.” I complain.

“Why do you say that?” She questions.

“Because on Jan 5th I weighted in at 195 lbs on the scale at my gym and then last week (01-13-07) I was 208 on this lousy clunker”. I spout back

“Our scale is correct yours is wrong.” She says with a little attitude.

“Bologna!” I exclaimed “It’s the kind that has a counter weight that you have to adjust your self. Plus I make sure that it is correct before I get on it…”

I continue to complain about the scales. But I can tell by the look on her face that 1) she stopped listening and 2) she really does not care to hear me complain about the intricacies of the 2 different scales (theirs is a digital scale).

(What I did not tell her is that when I weight in at the gym I am only wearing underwear. When I weight in at the Doctors office I am fully dressed in slacks, shoes, socks, belt, undershirt, dress shirt, tie, wallet, cell phone, and keys. So of course I am going to be heavier than at the gym).

I begrudgingly get on the scale. Scale says 199 lbs. (Bullshit I say below my breath I was 197 lbs the night before). Fuck, I hate scales.

We then go to the exam room and she ask me a few questions about how I was feeling but there were no leading questions this time, no shenanigans to speak of, she was very professional (which is to say boring) so I was kind of let down. I was sort of looking forward to some shenanigans (maybe a little slap and tickle if you know what I mean). She tells me the Doctor is going to come in and talk to me about my high blood pressure (last week it was 145/95 which is really freaking high, like so high that she was surprised that my head did not pop off like a Pez dispenser.) and that she was going to come back in and take out the stitches.

She takes my BP (that is blood pressure for those of you not in the medical community) 130/80 which is normal for my age (36), height (5’-9”) and weight, (195, I don’t care what their scale says I am under 200 lbs so they can just SUCK IT!)

She leaves I start reading this book about mens health that was sitting on the table and look up my BMI (body mass index) on a chart. The good news is that I am no longer morbidly obese, I and just on the border line between obese and overweight. I think that is good news. But then I realize I still have along way to go before my weight is considered “normal” Like 50 more pounds more to go. WTF?

Doctor comes in and looks at the chart he had asked me to keep for the past week of my BP all of the readings were in the 140’s/ 90’s which again is like Old Faithful high he even said that he was surprised my heart had not literally jumped out of my chest and smacked me in the face.

I tell him that all of those were taken from a machine in a Walgreen’s at 39th and Broadway on my way home from the gym.

He then gets up an punches me in the face, and states yelling at me “YOU ASSHOLE!!! YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR BP JUST AFTER WORKING OUT! DIDN’T ANY ONE TELL YOU THAT? YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT WHILE YOU ARE JUST SITTING AROUND RELAXING!!”

O.k. so he did not punch me in the face or anything like that, but he did tell me that should have taken my BP while resting. My reading was high because I had just finished working out and that it will stay up for a few hours after working out. Now I have to keep track my BP for another week. I just have to do it in the morning.

Now here is my problem, he suggested that I spend 50-60 bucks on my own BP machine?!?!? Huh?? What the deuce? Screw that!! I am not going to BUY my own BP machine that’s ludicrous! So, I either need to find a cheap used machine or get a nurse to take the reading everyday. Let me know if you are interested, or have any ideas on how I can get my BP done everyday until Feb 1st.

Now about the cyst it still a little hard and swollen (I am talking about the cyst not my Hoagie and Meatballs, Geez you perv’s) so he put me on some antibiotics to fight off any infection that may have started or will start in the next 10 days.

That’s it for now. Up next the Pharmacy Girl!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 1:38 PM

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