100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Summer Plans

Hey Folks, How are ya? Good, good glad to hear it, WOW you look great your should really be more care full with your good looks your going to give me a pryaprisum. Listen I have some stuff to tell you.

We are all moved in to our new office. I, for once did not have any problems. It only took me about 20 minuets to unpack my stuff and I was ready to roll. But of course some people had really big problems ranging from busted or cracked computers to not getting there stuff delivered at all, and then having to search all over the building for there boxes. But that is what you get when you hire Mexicans, right TKC?

So, would you like to know about my summer plans? Really? You would? O.K, good ‘cause I am just dieing to tell some one about them.

First up, I know its not summer plans but Reggie, Mr. Awesome, Scooter, and I (The D) are all going to the KU vs. Oklahoma State game tonight. Should be fun, we are meeting at Scooters house in Lenexa at 5:45 and then heading to Lawrence for some Yellow Sub then its off to the game.

The second big plan that I have going on is for the weekend of February 17-18 Reggie (his brother and cousin) and I are going to go scuba diving in the Bonne Terra Caves I have been a Scuba Diver since 1991 when I was stationed in Okinawa, Japan. I have not been scuba diving for a really long time but I am really looking forward to this little excursion.

Now, for the REALLY big summer plans. This summer the Four Horsemen (or if you prefer these Four Horsemen) (The D, Mr. Awesome, Reggie, and Scooter) are planning to go to Baltimore, Boston, and New York City to see baseball games at each of the ballparks. We picked these cites because, #1, they will be tearing down Yankee Stadium in a few years and we wanted to see a ball game there before its time ended. Boston, just because it’s close to NY and we wanted to have an excuse to beat that shit out of Johnny Damon (just to say we did).The Monday morning conversation would go something like this:

Girl: “Hey, The D, what did you do this weekend?”

The D: “Well, Girl, some friends of mine and I went up to Boston and beat the shit out of Johnny Damon.”

Girl: “Why did you do that?”

The D: “For shits and giggles!! Why else?”

Girl: “Oh?” And she walks away slowly.

Baltimore? Well, we don’t know why we want to go to Baltimore; we just feel the need to go there like the need of the salmon of Capistrano return every year. None of us have even been to any of these cities so it should be a good time. We are just in the planning stages with, the baseball schedules not being released by all of the teams yet (at least that is what I think, but I am not in charge of the tickets to the games). Each of us have different responsibilities for the planning of the trip. Mr. Awesome is in charge of the hotels (lodging) and Brothels (hookers). Reggie is in charge of the game tickets, and deciding the final dates of the trip. (We really are not interested in seeing the Royals lose to these teams but if it works out that we can then we will, but it is not a priority.) The D is in charge of all of the travel, airline tickets, and train tickets, and taxi in each city. Scooter is in charge of the entertainment in each city, finding out where the hot slutty chicks hang out, and other touristy stuff.

Here are my problems so far, I can’t get a firm price on airlines until I know where we are going first, are we going to start in New York and work our way south or vice versa? I suggested taking a train as our mode of travel between cites (like from New York to Boston and from Boston to Baltimore) and using subways and taxi’s as the preferred mode in each city. But Reggie and Scooter want to get a car. Which I think is just the dumbest idea I have ever heard of, for this trip yet. This is why I say a train is best. Cost, it will only be a bout 200 bucks for one ticket that can get us from Baltimore to New York. (I don’t know what a rental car would cost). Safety, someone would have to stay up (not to mention stay sober) and drive. Directions, we would not know where the hell we are going. Parking, we would not have to worry about it. Sleep, we could sleep on the train and recharge our batteries (we are not 25 years old for Christ sakes we need some recovery time).

We are looking at taking this trip in late July or early August so if any of you know of some cool festivals or anything going on in these towns let me know. If any of you could put me in contact with another blogger from any of these cities that would be just great!! Plus, if any of you have any restaurants or bars that you think my friends and I might like, or places to see during the day just let me know and I will give you mad props!! Plus if you have any web site that you use for air travel let me know those also.

Have a good week and GO Jayhawks!!