100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Weekend, Fantasy Football, Workout

I have been busier than a cat covering up poop… Busier than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest…. Busier that a Taiwanese whore during fleet week… You get the idea.

Here is an update to my awesome life. (That is sarcasm for the sarcasm challenged.)



Saturday night Mr. Awesome and Horse come over about 7 we had beers until about 9 then went to the Westport Flee Market to see The Zeros. They are an eighties cover band that plays eighties pop music they usually pull in the chicks so we try to go when ever we can. You can check out there My space page here.

Reggie and his wife showed up a little later. After a few Jaeger Bombs and some lemon drops (and more than a few Bacardi and cokes) I was feeling pretty good. Then out of the blue Reggie turns to his wife and says “We have to go, these guys are not having any fun with you around. You are ruining their night!” Talk about shock! Nothing really shocks or surprises me any more but when he told her that I almost pooped my pants. I yelled “Reggie!!!, What is wrong with you! He just looked at me with a stupid look. The whole statement was not true whatsoever. I like his wife (even though at 5’-10” she is freakishly tall for a woman).

We left about 11:30 because there were no girls worth my time (I am very selective) and went to…. You guessed it Kelley’s ran into Burt’s brother Chris (he was stoned) and his moron friend (who is a ALWAYS stoned). Horse and I left about 2 or so then stopped by Quick trip for some, lets call them “tasty”(?) burritos and went home. Mr. Awesome showed up about an hour later, (My bet is that he was smoking "you know what" with Chris and his Moron Friend, but you can’t tell anyone that.) Then Mr. Awesome and I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning drinking and talking. About lots of stuff but I can’t remember what.

I woke up about 12:30 Sunday afternoon with what I can only describe as on of my top 10 worst hangovers ever. I was supposed to go into the office for a few hours but that just was not going to happen. I was also supposed to go to the gym and weight in but that did not happen either. But what did happen was I did move from my bed to the couch to my office and then back to the couch and then back to bed (also to the bathroom and the kitchen but I think that goes without saying) in the evening.

I think I was still hung over Monday morning, but not real bad, but I knew something was defiantly amiss with my brain function, or maybe I was just mad that the Chiefs lost that bad, I don’t know.

At work I had a really big submittal due this week so I knew I was going to be really busy, but I have no idea I would be this busy. The hours that I worked this week were: Monday 6:00 a.m.-midnight, Tuesday 6:00a.m.- 2:00 a.m. Wednesday 6:00 am – 10 p.m. But I got the project done and now can spend all day catching up on my emails and all that kind of stuff. Tonight I can hit the gym (for the first time in almost a week) and catch up on all my TV that I have missed.

Which reminds me, you have to add HEROES to your list of must watch T.V. and set you DVR to record it, it’s a great show.

I will probably work on Saturday but it’s on my time so I can go in when I please and work as much or as little as I want. Either way I am staying home Friday and Saturday night.

I will probably get my hair cut on Saturday, and my oil changed, and laundry, but we are going plan that day as it comes I don’t have to do those things I just need to.

I have been seriously worn out this Thursday and Friday morning. I think I need to go back to bed or just crawl under my desk and take a nap.


Fantasy Football Update

Two of my three fantasy football teams are all in the toilet. In the Jayhawk league I am a 0’fer meaning I have not won a game yes I am 0-6 It’s not that I have bad players it’s just that they are not producing as well as they did last year.

At my bar league in Lenexa we are the only team without a victory. That league is totally different scoring system than most leagues we get 6 points for a receiving touchdown or a rushing touchdown but only 3 for a passing touchdown which make the running backs, and receivers more valuable than anyone else. (we don’t get any points for yards) so with 16 teams in that league all of the starting running backs are all ready taken and you have a crappy pool of players of which to chose from if you want to pick up any one during the week. We are also in a suicide pot at this bar. A suicide pot or league is where you pick one team each week to win if they don’t your out! If they do you have to pick a different team the next week. The kicker is that once you pick a team you can not pick them again.

My league at the bank with Scooters wife is doing pretty good, we are in a 2 way tie for second place at 4-2 Which I think is pretty good seeing how I nothing to do with the draft, all I did was rank the first 15 players that I wanted on our team and the website (yahoo sports) did the rest. She paid the league fee and I control the roster and who we start each week. So basically I am the manager and she is the owner.


When I started working out in September I was walking 4 miles in about 1 hour and 15-20 minuets. That was just walking, because I could not run more than 50 feet without wheezing and almost passing out from lack of oxygen. Now, I am walking on a treadmill at 3.5 mph and running at 7.0 or 8.0 for over half a mile at a time. I can travel as far as 4.5 miles in the one hour that I am on the treadmill. The most improvement has been after I joined the gym on October 1st. On that day I traveled 3.50 miles in the one hour, which is a step up form where I started. Since then I have increased the speed of the walking from 3.5 to 3.7 or 3.8 and the distance of the running has gone from less than a quarter of a mile to over 0.75 miles at a speed of 6.5 or 7.0.

I no longer have pants that fit me. Every single pair of pants that I own, slacks, jeans and khakis, I can button and zip up and still slid them off. They are not falling off but the point is I (and you too ladies) can get them off my body without unbuttoning or unzipping my fly. Just unbuckle my belt and slide them down and say hello to Mr. Happy!

I was walking though the office the other day when someone came up to me and said that my shirt was way too big and that my flat front pants looked like they had pleats in them. The waist was all bunched up in the back and they told me I look like 5 pound of poop in a 50 pound bag. I said thanks and kept walking. Fucking asshole why would a stranger think it was o.k. to say that to someone?

With all that I have done, why don’t I see any difference in the mirror? Why don’t I see any change in my waist line? Why haven’t one of my chins gotten smaller, or disappeared? Why don’t I feel any different?

I started this diet because of the way I looked not the way felt. I always felt fine. I just looked like shit. Apparently I still look like shit, Because no one noticed that I had lost weight last weekend.

I am just venting a little.

Have a nice weekend and thanks for reading.