100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Diet, Quitting Smoking

In this post last week I told you that I would give you more information on my diet and the quit smoking thingy.

The Diet: Preamble
When I moved back from St. Louis in December of 2003 I was 250 pounds. I am 5’-8” tall which put me in to the category of
morbidly obese. Now I don’t know about you but when I hear the term “morbidly obese” or just obese for that matter I think of some one that is really disgustingly fat like Orca the whale fat. I had never seen myself as fat. When I looked in the mirror I would see a good looking dude with a lot of potential. I never went to the doctor, I did not need him to tell me what I already knew.I was also smoking pack a day.

I just made a conscious decision to eat better and start working out. So I stopped eating McDonalds and started eating salads and a shit load of baked or grilled chicken.

The eating started right away in January of 2004 the working out started in the following April once the weather was nicer. I stared with a nice walk down to
Mill Creek Park at 47th and J.C. Nichols Parkway on the east side of the plaza. The park its self is 1.5 miles from my house. I would then do the lap around the park which is 1 mile. With a round trip total of 4 miles (1.5+1.5=3+1=4). I started with a total time of 1:15 that is 1 hour and 15 minuets of total walking. I eventually got that time down to 50 minuets with a combination of running and walking. I never could run the entire distance.

This continued over the summer of 2004 and into the winter where I joined a gym. I was still walking and or running 3-4 miles every day 5-6 days a week. Then in January of 2005 I was fired from my job, It was so shock, I lost all motivation whatsoever. I had another job within a week I had still lost total confidence in myself and in my abilities at my chose profession; I was constantly questioning myself and always asking for help and people to check my work of accuracy. I think I fell into a bit of depression. So I quit going to the gym. But I kept the new eating habits that I had trained myself to acquire. In May of 2005 I was fired again (yes, twice within 6 months) and now I know I fell in to a depression that I am still battling to get out of to this day. I was out of work for about 6 weeks and spent all of my savings. I went to the gym and worked out one last time. I had not been on the scale for quite some time so I decided to check my weight… 210. I though well, big fucking deal all that fucking work for a lousy 40 fuckin’ pounds that is just great I wouldn’t die from heart attack to night, yea. But I knew I would have to cancel my membership to the gym because I would not be able to afford it any longer.

I have not worked out since then, that was in May of 2005.

I got a new job in June of 2005 which I still have today (August 2006).

So the other day I was walking thought the kitchen nekked as a jay bird and I saw the scale sitting in the corner of the laundry room. He said hello and I just gave him the finger, symbolizing my current hatred for him and his kind. I did my business in the bath room, came out, stopped in the hallway and walked over to the scale and said

”Listen you ass-clown, lets get one thing straight I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but I am going to stand on you and if you don’t give me a favorable read out I will beat you so bad that your own mother will not recognize you, then I will take you apart and drive around the state throwing parts of you out of the window while laughing like a madman. Do we have an understanding?” No response from the scale, typical fucking scale. I put the scale down and stepped on him. A few seconds pass… the scale begins to speak, “230 pounds” I stand motionless not knowing how to take this information. Happy, because I only put on 20 pounds in a year, pissed off because I put on 20 pounds in a year. Still deciding how to feel. At 230 pounds I am still obese by government standards. Fuck. Still Obese.

The Nuts and Bolts of the Diet:
As I stated in
this post figured out that I am burning more calories than I consume on a daily basis. That is right folks; I am losing weight and did not even know it. Here is the lowdown. I eat the same stuff every day (its boring but I like it).

Breakfast – burrito QuickTrip (500 Calories)
Lunch - Hot pockets (330 calories each (660 total)
Dinner - chicken sammich from Wendy’s Fries and a diet coke (940 Calories) or a chicken BLT salad (680 calories)
Total calories – 500+660+940 (or 680)=1840 or 2100 Calories

I know I don’t have any drinks listed above and that is because I am drinking only water during the day, I drink about 2 liters, I fill a ½ liter up 4 times a day. Plus 16 ounces of coffee from QT that last me all day. I chug the last ¼ just before I leave for the day.

I then went to
this web site that told me, I burn 2900 calories (in an 8 hour period). That leads to a deficit of 800 calories (or there about) a day. Now, (stick with me) there are 3500 calories in 1 pound of fat (meaning you have to burn 3500 calories in one day to lose 1 pound a day). At my current course it would take me 4 days to lose one pound which is not good enough, nor fast enough.

Diet Goals:
The ultimate goal of the diet is to lose a total of about 50-60 lbs or more. That would put me at about 170-180 lbs which is what I weighed when I go out of the Marine Corps in 1994. But on the short term I plan to lose 30 lbs in 16 weeks, that 16 weeks iswill end on December 1st. But because of this fucking cut on my leg I can barley walk. Every time I try to bend the leg it reopens the scab and it starts oozing puss out of the wound. So now I have to wait until the fucking thing is healed until I can start working out.

24 hour fitness on Ward Parkway would certainly be the place to meet girls but I am not there to meet girls. I have been there and it is a mad house at 5 p.m. Plus, I don’t want all of the hot girls eye fucking me while I work out I am there to work out NOT pick up chicks.

I will be rejoining the same gym that I belonged to in May of 2005 at the end of September because I like this gym, its small and I can get a lot done in a short amount of time I never have to wait on a price of equipment or any of the machines. It will cost me more that the 24 hour fitness on Ward parkway because that will only cost me $35.00 a month plus they will wave any joining fees because my employer has a deal with them of some sort. My gym will cost me $40.00 a month but the owner is a friend of a friend and she will waive the contract and upfront fees.

So you are now wondering 2 things 1)why are you telling me all of this, and 2) now much longer is this fucking post, I have to take a shit!

Quitting Smoking
I am (have gone) going cold turkey. Why? Do you ask, because I am a Marine and I am one bad mutha-fucka! After
Tuesday’s developments I did some more figuring. I had my last cigarette at 3:00 p.m. (queue taps) I had found out that if I were to quite smoking I would save enough money per month that I could join a gym and then really lose weight.

Check this out, a single pack of Marlboro Lights cost $3.54 (at quicktrip on Westport Road) I was smoking a pack every other day. So I bought my last pack on the way home from Monday’s game. That pack lasted me until Wednesday at 3:00. Here comes the money shot – at $3.54 every other day equals out to about 15 packs a month (roughly, more if I went out drinking) which comes out to $53.00 I pay for smokes on a monthly basis. A Gym membership at 24 hour fitness is $35 a month (with my employee discount via our HR department), another club I know of is $40 a month.

Today is August 27th I have been smoke free for 11 days. Over all I think it has gone pretty well, the first days were the toughest though with the nicotine still being in my system and my body wanting more as the levels dropped. But now it is mostly the psychological part of the game, the fidgeting, the frustration, and the “ghost” hunger pangs.
You can go here and learn all about quitting cold turkey and the symptoms of quitting smoking.

I have had all of these symptoms except the nasal drip, and the constipation, but I have had an increase of farts.
I read about the effects and it helped me a LOT knowing what I would go though and then be able to recognize the symptoms, for example: After I quite I noticed that now I am very susceptible to rode rage. I am constantly yelling a people and getting VERY angry at drivers for stuff the usually does not bother me, then I think “Why and I so angry about that dudes driving, I can’t control his dumb-ass driving. I shouldn’t be this pissed off” then I take a deep breath and I am all good. Because I know that things like that don’t usually bother me. I am an even tempered dude.

So now you are asking your self “Self, ask The D why he is doing all of this now?”

That my friends is for another post.

P.S. if any of my math is wrong on this post don't tell me because the math is not really important kay, kay.