The D Rules!!: Weekend, Stuff and Pee Aroma

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Weekend, Stuff and Pee Aroma

Weekend

Friday

I don’t have a whole lot going on this weekend. Tonight, I am going to another wedding, which will officially make me the last kick ass single due in town or at least of my group of friends. I should get some kind of fucking trophy, award, certificate, or at least a gold star. It is at a church in southern Overland Park and the reception is even further south but not quite in Oklahoma, but almost.

I don’t know the bride too well, but he is a good dude and she is a good woman and I wish them the best. Besides the reception should be fun. As we all know good looking chicks travel in packs so hopefully I will get some attention from her friends, but I probably won’t. So I might just leave early if there are no promising ladies there.

Saturday

I will begin my first major home improvement project. I moved in to my first house in December of 2003. I have done absolutely nothing to put my own personality into the house. I have not planted flowers or changed the carpet or even painted the inside. Not to mention the outside which needs it badly. So on Saturday I will start the scraping and pealing of the house. First I will clean out the gutters on the house and the garage, which I think will take about 30 min to 1 hour maybe longer but I plan to start around 9 or 10 so I have all day. Second, I will power wash the garage and house. Then I will start on the scraping. I hope to get the scraping on the garage done at least.

The color was chosen by a select committee of well respected women and community leaders, my mother, sister (sis), and sister-in-law (sil). When I told my sil that she was on the committee she replied and I quote “That’s a good idea” end quote. I did not take offense to this remark because I am well aware that she used to live in this house with my younger brother before they were married (SINNERS!) and it’s not my fault they are going to hell for having premarital sex. (The reasons I am going to hell are to numerous to mention here). Anyways, they picked out the final color because I, being a complete douche bag could not pick out a color to save my life. I was actually considering painting it camouflage (I thought it would be cool to tell people that I live in a camouflage house. But then I thought that no one would ever come over because they would not be able to see it.) But they did not like that idea in fact they hated it, they hated it so much that my sister stood up walked across the room and actually slapped me across the face. And man let me tell you, getting slapped across the face still fucking hurts! Even to a bad ass like me. But I am getting off track.

I put mom, sis, and sil are on the committee because they are the only women in my life that would not like to see me look like a fool just for their own enjoyment. Plus I see them at holidays and I can be a real dick if I want to be at holidays. Anyways, after looking at paint swatches for a few hours I narrowed the section down to about 10 different options. Then the committee made its final decision on Easter Sunday.

Sunday

I am going to cut the grass. I think I am going to stop mentioning that because it is just going to be understood that I will be cutting my grass sometime over every weekend until September or early October.

[Note: when I say “the weekend” I mean any time between Friday after 3:00 and Sunday before 7:00. Friday at 3:00 is when I get off work and Sunday at 7:00 is when the Simpson’s are on T.V.]

I also have to trim the bushes away from the house so I can get the brush and or roller behind them in order to paint the house.

And Stuff

Sorry Boss I can’t make the meeting, I am checking out some Sexy Bitches
Check out the girls from the T.V show Deal or No Deal. Come on you know you want too; most of them have separate galleries. But I can’t look at all of them because I am at work and I would rather not be walking around with a stiffy all day, (just part of the day). But I would settle for a semi for all day.

Gays Take Over Sports Bar

It’s bad enough that they have taken over the Grand Emporium, which used to be one of the premiere blues and jazz clubs in the country, now they have their own sports bar.

Now don’t get me wrong I don’t have any thing against the gays. One of my oldest friends is gay and I hassle him all of the time. But when I hassle him and his gay friends it is funny and we all have laughs, I dish it out and they dish it right back. Furthermore, it is not done out of hate. Besides they make fun of now fat I am then I run home to my mommy and cry. But do they have to shove the fact that they are gay down out throats (pun intended).

This article also explains why the hottest chicks (fag hags) like to hang out at gay bars and gay dance clubs. Not to mention, no straight man would even give a shit if he could fit into a pair of girls’ jeans. We just care how to get the pants off or at least our hands in them. That is why the girls go to gay hang outs. It is because they don’t want to get hit on by geeks like me.

What Does Your Pee Smell Like?
Al thought I don't go around smelling my own pee. So I would have to assume that mine smells like roses. Until I am told otherwise. You have to check out this young ladies post its the most homes and funniest post I have read all day if not ever.