The D Rules!!

Last post

2008-02-09T17:42:00.000-06:00

This is my last post here on Blogspot. Go to www.the-d-rules.com or click here and it will take you straight there.

Be cool and update your blogrolls, RSS, and links, please.

Thanks for reading.

And I'll see y'all there Monday.

Bag Pipe!

2008-02-08T13:00:00.000-06:00

Is there a better use of bag pipes in a rock song?

I think NOT!

And while we're all rockin'. Lets not for get my 2008 Theme song!

Lost

2008-02-08T08:33:00.001-06:00

Sorry folks I'm pretty swamped at the office today so I won't have time to give you my thoughts on last nights Lost. Feel free to post any comments you have about the episode. Go over to Pop Candy to read about a kabillion other peoples thoughts. One thing I noticed from Pop Candy is that one hour after the show ended there were already over 150 comments.

I'm in between projects of my own so I'm helping other people get caught up on their projects or just doing the clean up of projects.

Fun stuff let me tell ya!

Thursday Joke

2008-02-07T13:14:00.000-06:00

This is the least amount of effort that I have ever put into these Thursday Jokes.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

Snow day?

2008-02-06T09:52:00.000-06:00

I have a rule on snow days. If the majority of the schools that I attended, while growing up in K.C.K, are closed then I’m calling sick to work.

I forgot to check the news before I left for work. I usually check 5-10 min of local news just to see if there are any accidents on my route to the office.

So, now I’m at work and I just checked the list of over 150 school closings in the Kansas City Metropolitan Area (a.k.a. KC metro, or “The Metro, if you will). Imagine my surprise when I see not one, but ALL of the schools that I attended, Wyandotte County Catholic Schools, (Christ the King, and Bishop Ward) KCKCC, and JCCC, are all canceled today.

What is up with that? When I was in grade school, at Christ the King, we never and I mean NEVER, EVER had school canceled. (We did one day in grade school but that was because the boiler busted and there wasn’t any heat.) Even in the blizzard of ’78 we still had school.

We didn’t take the bus our parents drove us and some other kids from the ‘hood. My mother is a terrible driver. I won’t let her drive when we go somewhere together, which I avoid at all cost. She is so bad… (this is where you say… “How bad is she?”) My mother is such a bad driver that my younger brother C-boy once fell out of the car WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING. (Which is a hilarious story, I’ll have to tell you some time.)

But, if we did have a snow day I can guaran-fuckin’-tee you Dad would have had us out shoveling the driveway. And while we were shoveling he would have been calling the neighbors asking if they wanted us to shovel their driveway. Which have been ok, if he wouldn’t have taken a 45% sales commission.

But The SIS got to say inside and do laundry.

Anyway, my point is kids these days are soft, squishy, and taste like chicken.

Wimps!

(*there was no blizzard in ’78 that I can remember, I just made that up for dramatic purposes)

Just like...

2008-02-05T09:21:00.001-06:00

...the Jayhawks who crushed the Missouri Tigers last night.

From File Girl. Thanks!

November is only 6 short months away. Get it here. Or find more here.

Wondering...

2008-02-04T09:42:00.001-06:00

Why would someone bring in left over Superbowl food to your office? Hot wings, chips, cold nacho cheese, some (kind of crappy) salsa, and half a crock pot of chili? Don't even get me started on the stench.

Is it just me or did the majority of the Superbowl commercials suck balls?

Tonight is the Boarder War, MU vs. KU at Allen Field house in Lawrence KS. 8 pm on ESPN. Then stay tuned for Sportscenter.

Lost Questions and Answers

2008-02-01T14:07:00.000-06:00

Last night was the premiere of the greatest show on earth. If you missed it or did not DVR it then I’m sorry about your luck.

Lonnie came over just before 8 PM with Minskys pizza we watched the pregame which started at 7 and fast forwarded thought the commercials. Watching a TV any show or sporting event is really the only way to do it these days. It keeps the show moving and you spend less time in front of the TV while watching more shows or games.

As we started watching the season premiere she stood up and announced that “All talking should cease and desist immediately or there would be consequences”. Of course it was just the 2 of us. So, I really don’t think it was necessary to make such a rude announcement. But whatev.

Here are my questions, my own answers are italicized: (These are just my thoughts so I wouldn’t consider them spoilers. If you want spoilers you’ll have to find then on your own.)

Hurley running on the beach in slow mo. HILARIOUS!!!
Hurley does know Anna Lucia Cortez. Why would he tell the cop that he didn’t?
Sawyer drinking beer, while Juliet digs a hole. What a gentlemen that Sawyer is.
Who are the Oceanic 6? One would assume they're the lone six survivors of flight 815. We know who 3 are Jake, Kate, Hurley, who are the other 2? We know one of them is dead from last seasons final episode; Jack went to their funeral and was that only one there. There is great speculation as to who is the dead dude in the coffin.
Who is Naomi’s sister? I think we will find out soon that it is someone that was/is on the island.
I believe Hurley’s flash forwards are before Jacks flash forwards from last season. Jack seamed more put together although he was drinking OJ and Vodka at 8 am. Just as soon as you see the camaro on the news report Jack says “Dammit” Because he knew that it was Hurley in that car. I also know it was Hurly because that was the same kind of car that he and his dad were working on when Hurley was a kid. (Hurley’s dad is played by Cheech Marin from Cheach and Chong.)
Who is Matthew Abbadon? The black dude that came to See Hurley in the mental hospital. Why did he ask “Are they still alive?” Who sent him? Is he really with Oceanic Air? When the groups separate, one with Locke one with Jack. Just one of the groups gets separated. The rescuers ask, if that was all of them? Someone says “yea that is all of us”. when they intentionally left one group on the island. Matthew is with D.A.R.M.A and wants to know if there are any other people left on the island. Now years later the people that get rescued feel so much remorse that they start to have problems functioning in life. Jack becomes and addict, Hurley goes crazy again.
Who is the lady and the child that ran in to Jacks truck as he was standing on the bridge ready to jump in last season final episode? Here’s my theory; We don’t know when that scene is supposed to take place but it’s long enough for him to grow a beard. Why does he want to fix the lady so much? Why does he care? He cares because the lady in the car is Claire and the boy in the hospital with the broken arm is Aaron her son.
In last seasons finally Kate tells Jack that she “needs to get back to him”, or something to that affect. Who does she need to get back to? I think it’s her son, and who dat baby’s daddy? Sawyer. She is NOT refering to Sawyer she is refering to thir son. Sawyer is NOT one of the Oceanic 6. He dies on the island
Who are the people on the boat if it’s not Penny Widmore? Remember, last season in Bens flashback he was brought to the island with his father Roger, (who was found dead in the van that Hurley found in the jungle), as member of the D.A.R.M.A (Department of Heuristics And Research on Material Applications.) Initiative Ben meets another group of “Hostels” that he becomes friends with and ultimately kills all of the members of D.A.R.M.A.

Still with me?

So now all of the original members of D.A.R.M.A are now dead. So Ben and the “Hostels” assume control of the island and turn on the signal jammer that Charlie turned off. Now that the jammer is off the island can now be found by anyone. Ben knows this and knows that people from D.A.R.M.A have been looking for the island ever since he and the Hostels took it over. Naomi found the island by accident just like everyone else, including Desmond and the dude that was pushing the button before Desmond. The people on the boat ARE FROM D.A.R.M.A!!!
Who does Hurley see in the cabin? The guy in the chair is Jacob (obviously it’s his cabin). But who is the other dude who we only see for a second? I think it’s Dr. Marvin Candle the Doctor from the hatch orientation films.

This weeks Lost wrap up was brought to you by the letter “P” cause that is what I gotta do now.

Agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts? Lets discuss!

This might become a weekly Friday feature, I don't know, it all depends on time.

Y'all have a nice weekend.

Lost Character

2008-01-31T19:24:00.000-06:00

Really quick before I start watching lost.

Which Lost Character Are You?

Created by BuddyTV

Which one are you?

Thursday Joke

2008-01-31T15:50:00.000-06:00

From The Cajin or is Cajun? Whatev, (She is 33.3% of the D.C. Krew)

When you have fat friends, there are no see saws...only catapults.

That's it, too excited for LOST tonight!

The Sun Shines...

2008-01-30T22:06:00.000-06:00

...on a dogs ass every once in while.

Congrats to KSU for beating KU for the first time EVER in Bramlage Coliseum. You're 1-19 vs KU in YOUR OWN HOUSE!

And Congrats to Erin for seeing KSU beating KU at home for the first time, in her life it truly must be a a wonderful feeling.

KU would never let a streak like that happen.

And congrats to the rest of you KSU bloggers, Chimpo, Emawkc, and Nightmare. (I'm clearly out numbered here.)

2008-01-30T15:49:00.000-06:00

Mish-mash

Today the Kansas Sampler Foundation announced its 8 “Wonders of Kansas”. The winners are:

The world’s largest hand-dug well, Greensburg
Cheyenne Bottoms and Quivira National Wildlife Refuge, Barton and Stafford counties
Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum, Abilene
Kansas Cosmosphere and Space Center, Hutchinson
Underground Salt Museum, Hutchinson
Monument Rocks and Castle Rock, Gove County
St. Fidelis Church (Cathedral of the Plains), Victoria
Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve, Chase County

I challenge the validity of this list for one simple reason! I’m not on the frakin thing!!! WTF? Dudes!! Srlsy? This is at travesty BEYOND BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS!! Call your congressman (or woman) and demand a recount!!

************************************

KU plays KSU tonight in the Sunflower Showdown, 7 pm on channel 38 on Direct TV. (I have no idea what channel it is on for Time Warner and Dish Networks cause those systems suck donkey balls.) KSU has not beaten KU in Bramlage Coliseum since 1983, that’s 25 years. (Bramlage opened in ‘88). Beasley is the highest scoring player in the big 12 this season to date. If KU shuts him down KU wins easy by 20. KSU is a one man band. Without Beasley we’d be talking 0’fers for KSU. I'll be watching with my crew at Tanners on 87th.

************************************

I’m so effin’ busy with work and a project at home I literally don’t have time to shit. But I had a huge break though with the project at home so hope fully things run smoothly from here on out.

************************************

My best pal Lonnie is pissed off at me becaue I haven’t blogged about her new daughter yet. (even thought I set up my space and Facebook pages for her. I'm her first Friend!!!!) If I had the time of some photos maybe I will.

Lost Captions

2008-01-28T20:52:00.000-06:00

The Kansas City Star, my hometown paper of record, (whatever the fuck that means) is doing a contest to see who can come up with "extraordinary captions" for some pictures from the greatest Television show in the history of television shows EVER!

I think that paper is shit so I'm not going to enter the contest. The only thing you get for winning is your name in the paper. My name has already been in the paper enough lately. Over the weekend I was arrested for... wait for it... wait for it... being too fuckin, Awesome! So I thought I'd skip the formalities and just do the contest here.

What show is it, you ask? Well, it's Lost of course you stupid, dirtbag! How could you not know that? Srsly, what planet are you from? Well, you should go back to it because we don't let Dicks on this planet. And yea, your a Dick if you don't watch Lost.

The first season it was out I would spend every waking moment searching the internets for clues as to what the fuck was going on on the Island. I had about 50 different web sites I would check HOURLY at work and once again when I would get home. Then I was transfered to our home office and lost all of them and didn't have time to get them back for the second season. It ~~nearly~~ drove me crazy.

I'm commonly referred to as "That Lost Dude" at work. Which is a title that I have grown to accept. But I don't always think they're referring to the show when someone calls me that. But whatever.

(FYI if you haven't been watching the "missing pieces" webisodes then your totally fucked for this coming season. They're less than 5 min long so go watch them when you can. You can get caught up during your lunch. Or you can get a full update to the series in 8:15 (!!!!!!!!!) here.)

The season 4 premiers this Thursday at 7 pm. I really dont' know why you don't already have your DVR set for the season pass. Coincidentally, I spent my weekend watching all 23 episodes of season 3, that equals to about 18 hours of television that I watched this weekend. Yea that is a lot of TV. But it was totes worth it, I pretty much know every thing that has happened last season. If I were to be on a game show about Lost right now I would totes win!

Anyway, add your own captions in the comments if you like. This is not a contest. But if you want to send me nude pics of yourself I would not reject them. (No fatties, No dudes.)

1. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Hey, How you doooin'? Come here often?"

1a. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Please stop pummeling me! It hurts!"

1b. Russo Thinking: "Look how tough I look standing here"

1c. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Jesus, lady whadda ya eat?

2. Alex: "Yes I would like some of your island hooch, Carl."

2a. Carl: Don't worry Alex there isn't much GHB in this.

2b. Alex: "I like water it's yummy in my tummy"

3. Sawyer: "The next person to fart in my face while I'm sleeping gets a bullet in the FACE!"

3a. Sawyer: "We all know you ate all the ding-dongs, Jumbotron, so just admit it!"

3b. Locke: "What's going on here! Is it a circle jerk? Good! Sawyer, since your already in the middle your the pivot man."

4. Sun: Oh My Gawd!! Claire, Jins pe-pe is so small I have a hard time even finding it, hehehe" Do you think Hurley's is bigger? Cause I'd like to ride that whale! Hehehehehe!

Claire: Yea, American cocks a much bigger that anyone else's. hehehehehe!

4a. Claire: Yea, I totes gave Charlie a Dutch oven last night, he go so mad. It was Hilarious! It stunk sooooo bad, I think it burnt off his eyebrows, hahahah!

5. Benard: "JESUS, Sayid!! What fuck did you eat?!?! Did a wombat crawl up your ass and die? Holy fuck man, that's HORRID!!"

5a. Sayid: "Stand back I'm going to let another face-melter go!"

5b. Juliet: "I wonder if Iraqis dicks taste like chicken? They smell like chicken."

6. Benard: "AAAAAHHHH! This is the best shit I've taken in 3 months! DAMMIT I FORGOT TO DROP MY PANTS AGAIN!! FUCK!!! Rose, can you clean me?"

6a. "If that fuckin Iraqi farts on me one more time I'm going postal!!"

6b. "Fifty bucks the Smails boy picks his nose"

7. Thinking: "Look how sexy I look standing here stroking my rifle. Yea, ladies you know you want to get a taste of my 50 cal rifle. I'm fuckin' amazing."

7a. Thinking "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh, yeah? Okay! [whips out gun] Huh?

7b. Thinking: I'm the Greatest Scottsman to ever walk the planet. Hehehehe, I said "Great Scot just like that douche fro Star Trek, hehehe, Fuck I'm sexy!

8. Extra in grey tee shirt on the left: "Hey, every one Claire shit her pants again! Look, HAHAHA!!!!"

Everyone chanting: Claire's a poopy pants! Poopy Pants Claire!

8a. Clarie crying: "I can't help it Charlie keeps putting it in the wrong whole, and I'm all stretched out."

9. Kate: "Jack I'm not going to lick your ass any more until you start using toilet paper."

9a. Kate: "Yes, Jack I rode Sawyers high hard one, while we were in the cages, but I was thinking of you the whole time. I'm a 5 cent whore, you know that"

9b. Jack: "Kate, I'm going to take this satellite phone and shove it up you cooch if you don't get your dam dirty hand off my face."

Leave your own captions in the comments. Just be sure to number them.

(I have no idea what is up with the spacing of this post so don't ask.)

Annoyed

2008-01-25T08:43:00.000-06:00

You know that feeling you get just before you sneeze? That feeling just before you inhale and then sneeze? That feeling in your knows that little tickle, that says "Hey buddy there is something in your nose and you need to get ride of it FAST!" You do? Good Cause I've had that feeling for the last 2 hours.

It’s annoying as fuck!!

GAH!!

Anyway, check out my new scrolling text. It’s 100 Facts that you didn’t know about me, The D. And the best part, they’re all TRUE!! (the twitter updates are on the right. (like you read then anyway)

Y’all have a nice *AAA-CHOOO* day! WOW! That sneeze was so good I almost had an orgasm!

Thursday Joke: Steven Wright

2008-01-24T21:06:00.001-06:00

For today's Thursday Joke I thought I give you some one-liners from one of my favorite comics, Steven Wright.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me-and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
A woman asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

And my favorite line from Steven Wright: I once bought some powdered water... I didn't know what to add to it.

WATCH OUT CHUCK!!

2008-01-23T19:37:00.000-06:00

Chuck Norris better watch his back.

This is one bad ass HR PUNK ROCK CHICK!!

Sickness, TMI, Maybe? Probably

2008-01-23T14:52:00.000-06:00

The good news is that I did not wake up dead this morning.

Last night I was wishing someone would whack me upside my head with a 2x4 accompanied by a rusty nail sticking out of it. It would have helped my head drain of all the nasty snot rockets. It was one of those kinds of head colds where you can only breathe out of your mouth and one side of your nose. But when you lay down on, say your right side, you can feel every thing shift to the right side of your head. And for a few glorious minuets you can breathe out of both nostrils. But after your back to the hell of halving a cork stuck up one side of your nose. Then you roll back over to your left side and it all shifts with you again. It’s like a fun game of teeter-totter only its not fun it's some kind of sick fucking torture . I was doing so much tossing and turning last night that I made myself nauseous and almost threw-up.

It’s one of those head colds that no matter how hard you blow your nose, that shit just won’t come out. You want to stick a 12 foot Q-tip up there so you can punch a hole in the blockage and just stand over the sink or toilet and let it drain out like an open fire hydrant. But instead you just keep blowing your nose so hard that you almost shart while doing it. Not a good feeling, let me tells ya, yo!

Then as the day worn on the symptoms have changed and NOT for the better. I no longer have all of the head/face/nasal cavity issues. But now I have lower abdominal craps, (THEY’RE NOT MENSTRAL!!), and VERY explosive, I'm talking atom bomb explosive Hershey Squirts, you know, the green apple splatters, swamp ass, a case of the mud butt. (Is that enough? Cause I have more.)

I hate having diarrhea, but I hate pickles more. If I had to chose between eating a pickle or having echoing, explosive H-bomb type shits for the rest of my life. I would take the shits everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.

Note to self: It would be a good idea to move the TV in to the bathroom tonight.

I hope there isn't much traffic on the drive home of I might not make it. I wonder is any one has a cork I could barrow?

What makes this even worse is I have off-site training tomorrow! But hey, it's a free lunch!

Get a Clue

2008-01-22T20:28:00.001-06:00

I don't understand why everyone if freaking out about Heath Ledgers death. It doesn't effect me or anyone that I know. He was a foreigner and probably here illegally, so who gives a shit if he's dead? It doesn't affect you in any way what-so-ever. So get over it already. You'll still get your Dark Knight movie this summer, so stop worrying your pretty little head.

The top story today wasn't even the Semler resignation from the parks board. I bet your thinking that because she resigned those conventions, that left, will all come back now? Keep dreaming, buckaroo, they won't!

The top story wasn't even the news, out of Jeff City, that Governor Blunt won't be running again in the next election. He said he isn't because he has reached all of his objectives. You you hear that Missouri, you're effing perfect according to Butt-face Blunt.

No, no, ladies and gents,

What you should really be talking about (besides me being very, very, sick and 10 times more irritable) is the announcement that the old Verison Wireless Amphitheater, that closed last year, is reopening this May and will be renamed Sandstone Amphitheater.

The good thing about this is that with the Sprint Center opening and us still having Sandstone we aren't losing one of the best outdoor venues to see some pretty good acts that will be coming to town this summer.

Chris Fritz, the president of New West Presents, who now manage the property, is going to lower ticket prices, plus beer and concessions. (Although I never could understand who would eat that swill at those kinds of places.) He is going to lower ticket, and beer prices by "going green". Which means that they will be "Collecting trash for recycling (glass, paper and plastic). Recycle old fryer oil for people with bio-fuel vehicles. Offer receptacles for recycling cell phones. Use recycled materials inside the venue, like office paper, paper napkins, paper plates and toilet paper. Make parking free for people who carpool or drive an alternative-fuel vehicle. Install bike racks at the gates for people who want to ride bicycles to shows. Which all you tree huggers should be happy about.

All that recycling is pretty good but if you fart a lot you'll get charged extra.

Now, I'm going to take some medicine (and by "medicine" I mean Mad Dog 20/20) and lay down. I still can't breath thought my nose. And the sickness is getting worse by the hour. If you don't hear from me in the morning please call an ambulance. Just make sure it's the kind with the sexy paramedics in it like the ones in a David Lee Roth video, thanks.

It would really ruin my day if I woke up dead.

Down With the Sickness

2008-01-22T09:57:00.000-06:00

Runny nose - check.

Watery eyes -check.

Headache - check.

Stuffy head - check.

Constant sneezing - check.

(And what is up with no one saying "God bless you" around here? Don't they know that when someone sneezes it's leaves you susceptible to demons?)

Overwhelming urge to call my mommy - check.

Craving Chicken Noodle soup - check.

Body Aching - negative.

Fever- negative.

Tired - negative. (no more than usual)

Cough - negative.

Sore throat - check.

Diarrhea - negative.

Vomiting - negative.

Blaming someone else for getting me sick - check

Sense of humor - intact.

Weekend Update

2008-01-21T22:31:00.000-06:00

With months of planning the banquet went off without a hitch. I had the perfect system all set up. But it took me almost all night to print over 120 name tags Friday night using my home printer. I also had to print 35 applications for the neophytes at 5 pages each is a lot of paper and ink.

Some history on this banquet that we throw every year. This was our 87th meeting. The club has had a lot of influential members though out the years most notably President Harry Truman was initiated in the 30's. The membership is now populated with upstanding citizens from Kansas City Kansas, my home town. We have doctors, lawyers, judges, business owners, politicians, insurance men, police officers, firemen. People from every walk of life. If I gave you some of their names you would be amazed at the quality of people. But I'm not going to give you any names.

I guess the best way to describe the club is to say that it's part Friar's club roast, part fraternity. It's really a good time.

One thing I can tell you that happened to me, which was completely amazing and totally random. I was talking to one of our photographers about how the day went and the other photographer came over and asked me if I had family in Jefferson City (we all wear name tags). I said yea both of my parents are from Jeff City, long story short he had grown up with my Dads brother (my uncle) and my mothers brother. I still have to call mom and tell her about it. She's probably flip out. It just goes to show you what a small world we all live in.

After the ceremony the group (which you already know as my crew, Mr. Awesome, Reggie, Scooter, The EYE-talian, and a few others) that planned the event went over to a bar in KCK and watched UNC lose to Maryland which was just enough to make the day pretty effin sweet. Then we headed to Danny's again had dinner and watched KU beat those slack jawed yolks from Mizzou.

There was really a lot of random, and amazing stuff that happened thought out the day. But I still have a lot of work to do as far as updating the roster with new members, and updating current members with new contact information. Which is going to take me a couple of nights to get though all of the new members. Overall we had 132 people attend which is a pretty good turnout but not our best.

Milestone, The Itch

2008-01-20T23:07:00.000-06:00

I wasn't planning on talking about this, I was planning on talking about my weekend and the banquet, but this is just too big...wait for it... wait for it... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Lets all give The D around of applause for his 500th post! (This being my 500th post) It's only taken him 1 year and 10 months or, as one might say, 22 months when referring to the age of a baby, and only 2 major overhauls, that he can remember. He has had 30,456 hits since he installed the Stat Counter about a month after he started blogging. Which comes out to an average of 60.9 hits per post. (Writing in 3rd person is more difficult than you think.)

Of course I'm getting the itch again to revamp the whole thing. But I'm going to try to do it right. Instead of bribing some HTML guru to help me out I think I'm actually going to find me a couple of good books on HTML and or CSS. I think I'm going to move to word press also. Yea, I know I've threated to do that before but this time I mean it. At the risk of sounding like a control freak, I want more control over the template and the overall look of the page. But I don't know when I'll have the time or learn all that stuff so it's going to be a while before it's unleashed on the public.

So does anyone know of some good HTML, CSS, or maybe word press books that I can get on the cheap from Barnes and Noble or Amazon?

Y'all have a nice week and bundle up! Its cold out there!

Lets Be Careful Out There

2008-01-18T13:38:00.001-06:00

Monday, I told you about my weekend at Banana Joe’s. Today, I get an email from one of Pamela’s friends telling me what happened to Pam. Pamela and her husband Scott Baio were out at Banana Joe’s on January 5th.

Her email continues:

“They have these island type raised dance areas where she was dancing among other girls. As she was trying to get down, she fell and fractured her skull, broke her ankle, and possible ruptured a disk in her back. (Undergoing testing at this time to find out what is wrong) he was rushed to the hospital where she underwent brain surgery to remove a blood clot from her brain, resulting in a metal plate in the back of her head. She was in ICU for a week and now is at home recovering but is having major problems with her back. Her ankle was a clean break on a non-baring bone….which is good. She can barley walk to the bathroom, and can not stand due to the pain. She may have to undergo back surgery; she is waiting to hear back from the doctor today. So basically she’s pretty messed up."

I don’t need to worry about such things happening to me because I don’t dance and if I do my feet don’t move. But you girls certainly need to be careful!

Pam is one of my best pals I really hope this isn't a perminate thing she is going to have to deal with.

Apologies, Explanation

2008-01-17T10:14:00.000-06:00

My apologies to my fellow bloggers, I will not be able to make tonight’s hoe-down.

I’m in the final stages of the banquet planning for this Saturday. I have to meet with the hall banquet people and go over the final stats as far as how many people will attend (I’m still getting RSVP’s even though the cut of for RSVP’s was last Saturday.) the amount of food, where certain aspects of the ceremony will take place, table configurations, among other items. I also have to print final rosters of those attending along with 2 sets of name tags, one for existing members, and one for new members).

We should have about 150-160 total people attending.

Again, my deepest apologies to my fellow bloggers. Please feel free to discuss my awesomeness behind my back. If you were waiting to make a decision on whether or not I was going to attend, because you think I’m a complete moron, and you don’t want to be around me. Then please, do attend. If you were only going to go if I was going then I think you should attend. Most of us bloggers are good people that shower daily, and use deodorant. (Except for Emaw, he smells like feet).

Cafe al Dente, in the River Market at Fourth & Delaware, Kansas City, Mo

Thursday Jokes: Irish Edition

2008-01-17T09:14:00.000-06:00

An Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were playing Russian roulette. Paddy Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets. Paddy Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet. Paddy Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put the gun to Paddy Englishman's head.

***********************************

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. "That proves," said The Englishman, "that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen."

"No it doesn't," said The Irishman, "it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used."

*************************************

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears. "What's the matter, son?" asked his mammy. "We were doing sums today, Mammy," he said. "And were they too hard?" "Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.

**************************************

Employee of the month is a good example of how someone can be both a winner and a loser at the same time

***************************************

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone.

"Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.

"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

What You Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

2008-01-15T13:04:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd let my lovely readers make this call, about a slang definition that is currently in quetion. (I could look it up in Urban Dictionary.com but I don't want to look it up.)

Here's the dealio:

A friend on mine sent me an invitation to a party they're having, via evite.com. I reply that I will attend and state. "I'll bring the hooch!"

The question that I now ask you my dear readers is what am I bringing to the party?

What is "Hooch"? My friend is thinking one thing, and I'm thinking something entirely different.

I don't want to narrow your choices by giving you multiple possible answers. Just let me know what you think I mean by saying "Hooch" in the comments.

My friend and I thank you in advance.

Weekend Wrap Up Part 2: Saddle Ranch and Banana Joe's

2008-01-14T20:14:00.001-06:00

After Danny's we went over to The Saddle Ranch Chop House. You know it's going to be a good time when you get to a bar at 10 PM and some drunk chicks are already dancing on the bar. It's too bad there asses were better looking that their faces. (Their asses weren't even that good.)

I especially like this one. Check out the dude in the orange hat with the Abe Lincoln beard. Think he's ever seen girls on dancing on a bar before? Hilarious!

And 50 years old perverts trying to look under their skirts. Hilarious and disturbing at the same time.

We had car bombs!!:

Then we ventured next door to Banana Joe's. According to their Myspace Page:

Banana Joe's is one of 4 bar atmosphere's under one roof! Margarita Mama's to sit down and eat some Mexican cuisine, Banana Joe's where you have 2 bars and top 40/pop/hip hop music and MIX 93.3 on Saturday nights!, Slingshots, which is a country/rock bar...and Q104 is broadcasting live from there on Friday nights! Velvet Room, is a martini lounge, where you can just relax and hang out with your friends!!

We walk into Banana Joe's and get some drinks at the first bar, Margarita Mama's. Which was really dead so we got some drinks (NOT margaritas, those are for chicks and the gheys, not that there's anything wrong with that) We pay the 5 dollar cover, and get vandalized:

The good thing about this vandalization is that it was with a dry marker (the kind you use on a dry erase board, you know the white ones) so it washed off the next morning with no trouble.

So we are wondering around the second bar, Banana Joe's which was playing some rock music that I can't remember with some crazy as light show going on. Stop at the next bar and get more shots and drinks (I'm drinking Bacardi and Cokes at this point.)

We then wondered in to the 3rd bar Slingshots, its blasting the loudest county music I have ever heard. We then see and old friend from years ago who ends up managing Slingshots. He says to come the the back bar of Slingshots and he'll set us up with another round of shots and drinks. FUCK YEA! we think. As we get to the back bar we see more girls dancing on the bar.

(Sorry fellas, I didn't get a pic of her tramp stamp, you know her ass antlers, her Panama City license plate.)

About 20-30 minuets later we turn around and see one of the craziest things I have ever seen going on behind us on the bar. Some dude on his hands and knees with a saddle on his back and a chick riding him. WTF? Is all I can say. We all look at each other and say in unison "CAMERA!"

That Slingshots is one CRAZY place!

A few key points that I skipped over:

One being that fact that Mr. Awesome broke a sigh that had holes cut out of it for faces. Like the kind you would see at Disneyland or some amusement park. It looked kind of like this.

But not exactly, but I think you get the idea. Only it had some kind of country western theme.

We also ran into a girl that we went to high school with. Get this the moron didn't know who I was, can you believe that? I mean who goes around this town NOT knowing who The D is? Seriously, lady get a fucking clue.

We never did make it in to the Velvet Room, maybe next time.

The whole place is a good time. I suggest you grab your friends and head on out west. Don't let the recent violence keep you away. (We saw at least 2 set of uniformed cops. I even knew one!) It's a good time.

Weekend Recap Part 1: Danny's

2008-01-14T10:06:00.000-06:00

Friday night Mr. Awesome, Scooter, Pitt and I headed out west for a change. I arrived late to Mr. Awesome’s house which is about par for the course for me. Had a couple of beers then headed to Danny’s Bar & Grill. (There's also one out south for those of you still afraid of The Dotte) Danny’s is a good place to watch a sporting event, They have 3 huge projection TV’s and a crap load of flat screens on every wall. There really isn’t a bad seat in the house if you're there to watch a game. The beers are cold, I was drinking Blvd Wheat, and the service is pretty good. Even thought the place was crowded, when it was my turn for the round I only had to wait a few seconds to get my order to the bartender. Plus, they have plastic cups that you can take with you (as long as they’re empty of course). I really couldn’t say that the bar had one allegiance to any certain school (KSU, KU) or not. I’ve been out there for KU games before and have seen an equal mix of KSU and KU fans. Although we didn’t eat I know that the place has probably the best bar food in town.

The first time Mr. Awesome and I were there a few months after it opened. He ordered the steak. Now, there is some thing you need to know about Mr. Awesome. Mr. Awesome has never ever gotten a steak the way he likes it, on the first go around. He’s not picky it’s just that they never get it right. Not even at really expensive steak houses, like Ruth Chris, Gallaghers, Morton’s, or Plaza III, or any other place for that matter. But Danny’s does get it right. He has had it a few times and every time they get it right for him the first time. Acording to him its the best steak in town. (you also get taters (baked or mashed), your choice of vegtables, roll, and a hand job) all for 10 bucks.

It’s also a family friendly bar (with a kids menu) so bring the kids, but get them home before 10 p.m. Kids don’t belong in bars after 10 p.m.

Up next…
The Saddle Ranch and Banana Joe’s.

First Date Fiasco

2008-01-13T23:47:00.001-06:00

I just got back from the worst first date EVER! It was a complete train wreck. I want to get to bed so I'm just going to give you the bullet points and I might elaborate on them at a later date.

be ready at the specified time. Or at least be ready in like 5 min. Don't make me wait 30 min OUTSIDE! In the 30 degree weather.
don't make me chose which shoes go with your outfit. It's dinner and a movie for Christ sakes.
don't get THAT DRUNK!
don't tell me about all the drugs you used to do in high school. I could care less.
have something intelligent to say unless your not intelligent. (With the job you have and your education you should have something to intelligent to contribute)
on the off chance we run into some dude you know, don't tell me "I blew him in the Hurricane bathroom."
don't talk about your former fuck buddies. It's a turn off and makes you look like a complete slut. (like the one above doesn't?)

I should correct myself here, calling this a first date implies that there will be a second date... There won't be.

I'm just glad this one wasn't a set up.

I really know how to pick' em don't I?

Monday, I'll give you a complete review of that new multi bar out at The Legends. I was there Friday night.

Even Little Kids Know

2008-01-13T15:29:00.001-06:00

Even little kids know what (and who) is Awesome.

From The Cajun:

Every time Audrey (18 months old) sees the family pictures, she says "D! D!" especially the one with you and the kids, of course.

Smart kid, that one.

You Probably Think This

2008-01-13T13:58:00.000-06:00

If you're an angry woman you probably think this it true.

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

From my Pal.

Friday BlogThing

2008-01-11T10:23:00.000-06:00

From Emaw I don't know wether to be proud, or ashamed that I beat his score.

	I received 75 credits on The Sci Fi Sounds Quiz How much of a Sci-Fi geek are you?
Take the Sci-Fi Movie Quiz lose weight

Friday Feast

2008-01-11T09:22:00.000-06:00

Appetizer
What is your middle name? Would you change any of your names if you could? If so, what would you like to be called? My middle name is my mothers maiden name. Both of my brothers and my sister don’t have first names as middle names like Christopher or Karen or whatever. We all have family names. K-dawg’s middle name is my Dads mothers maiden name. SIS has my Grandmothers maiden name, and C-boy is my Great Grandmothers (mothers side) maiden name. Would I change it? FUCK NO. It’s just one of the many reasons that make me pretty fuckin’ awesome. Plus, it’s always a good topic of conversation.

Soup
If you were a fashion designer, which fabrics, colors, and styles would you probably use the most? I have no idea, umm, canvas, burlap? Bras and panties of course.

Salad
What is your least favorite chore, and why? Cleaning that fuckin’ bathroom I have actually thought about just replacing the sink and toilet instead of cleaning them. That and cleaning is a woman job.

Main Course
What is something that really frightens you, and can you trace it back to an event in your life? I am one bad ass motherfucker! Nothing scares me. (Except the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. I get so freaked out that I have to turn it off. So yea, I have never seen the whole movie. Also Zombies.

Dessert
Where are you sitting right now? Name 3 things you can see at this moment. Cell phone, Decimals of a foot chart, and when I look down I see my penis, I always write post while Porky Pigin', it gets the creative “juices” flowing if ya know what I’m sayin. Plus the lady that sits across from me seems to like it.

2008 THEME SONG

2008-01-10T22:25:00.000-06:00

THIS IS IT FUCKERS!

THE D'S THEME SONG FOR 2008

PREPARE TO GET YOUR FACES ROCKED THE FUCK OFF!

LISTEN TO IT HERE*

READ THE LYRICS HERE.

Once And For All Lyrics

I'M GONNA KICK THIS WEIGHT LOSS/DIET/FITNESS BULLSHIT IN TO THE STRATOS-FUCKIN'-PHERE.

BITCHES!

*click play at the bottom

Web Site Plug

2008-01-10T21:55:00.001-06:00

I'm all full of random shit tonight, like Brit-Brit full of vicodin and baby juice. (Is it Brit-Brit, or Brit,Brit, or Brit Brit? Who gives a shit she's a skank.)

So I ever since I've been reading Deadspin I've been looking forward to Thursday afternoon like a hillbilly waiting on his sister to get home from school. They have this Thursday afternoon feature where this dude who goes by the name of Bid Daddy Drew, in his articles called "Dick Joke Jambroo" he previews all of the upcoming weekends NFL games. It's seriously the funniest shit you will ever read. But watch out clicking on some of the links some are NSFW. You can find all of them in my best of links in The Throne.

Have You Heard About These?

2008-01-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

Just in case you live in a hole or are some kind of skank, whose been suckin' cock for the last 2 weeks. I thought I would be cool (for once) and point these little panty droppers out to you WAAAY before Valentines Day. So you can go ahead and get them now for that cheating bitch, whore of a girlfriend (or wife, or husband or boyfriend, or whatever you have) of yours.

You can customize your own M&M's here.

Holy FUCK they're only 12 BUCKS per bag! DAMN, You have to buy at least 4 bags.

Now lets discuss your message. Now remember they are M&M's, (Who eats plain M&M's? I don't think I could even trust someone who eats plain M&M's peanut are the way to go.) so we can't fit a lot on there (that's what she said.) I say, skip the I love you's and the dumb shit nicknames you have for your partner, like Shmoopy, buttercup and fuck face. I saygo straight for the jugular and go with "WHORE!", "BITCH!", "I HATE YOU!", and the ever popular "FUCKIN CUNT!" (yea I said the "C" word deal with it!)

Opps, I just tried all of those and it told me they can't print offensive words. What a bunch of DICKS these M&M people are!

Any way, I'm sure you can think of something good your fuckin' self.

WTF?

2008-01-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Doug Benson from VH1's Best Week Ever is going to smoke da wacky weed for 30 days straight? Yea, that must be why they call it DOPE?

Thursday Joke

2008-01-10T13:32:00.001-06:00

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

*****************************************

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

COOKIE TIME!

2008-01-09T21:53:00.000-06:00

From The SIS,

Sunday it the Official kick-off for the Girl Scouts Cookies sales in the middle of Kansas.

If you would like to order some (you do). Your choices are Carmel de Lites, Peanut Butter Patties, Shortbread, Thin Mints, Peanut Butter Sammiches, Thanks-a-lot, Lemonades, and Cinna-Spins. If you need more of a discription, just let me know

Each box is $3.50.

For those you in Kansas City, I can deliver them to The D on Sunday Fe 16. You better get them from him that week or he'll eat them!! (TRU DAT!)

Nicole (my niece) really, really, really, really, really, really, wants to go to summer camp this summer (and so do her parents) and the more cookies she sells the more "cookie credits" she gets to apply towards the cost of camp.

Thanks for your support

The SIS

[end communication]

So, how many boxes can I put ya down for?

This is now its going to work folks. You are going to order these cookies or I'm going to start calling you out as Girl Scout hating Jerks-Faces.

The cookies will get delivered to me on Feb 16 (Izzy's 1st B-day) I am willing to deliver your package (NO HOMO!) to your place of work, home, neighborhood brothel, where ever you want me to deliver them. You won't have to do shit, just tell me where and when and I'll deliver them to you. We can work it out, I will bend over (NO HOMO) backward to get them to you. Or I can just bring them to the Feb Blogger meeting. What ever is convenient for you. For some of you I'm eve willing to give you a floater loan and you an pay me when you get the goodies. I'll even help you eat them, if you want. I'll bring the milk!

I expect at least 10 orders of multiple boxes by 5 PM on Thursday.

Email me at “Darren rules at gee mail dot com”

(All information exchanged will be kept in the strictest confidence, meaning I will most likely forget it 10 min after you tell me.)

Besides could you say no to this face?

2 years?

3rd Birthday.

Dance recital.

GOOOAAAALLLL!!!

What are you waiting for operators are standing by! Order while supplies last!!

And remember if you don't I will find you... And I will remember.

I'd do it for your niece. You totally know I would.

Don't make me email, call, or worst yet DRUNK TEXT you.

ORDER NOW!!

What The Deuce? And Other Random Thoughts

2008-01-09T08:41:00.000-06:00

How does a Quicktrip run out of coffee at 7:30 on a Wednesday morning? How could someone let this happen? Who's in charge here? Are you really that busy that you couldn't keep an eye on how much is in the coffee maker dealio-thingy? For 69 cents per cup (or whatever it is) I would expect a little more effort from the 3 Quicktrip employees manning the counter.

Why doesn't my Google Reader widget on my Google home page work? And why does it take so long for that page to load?

I have given up on loading my 2008 theme song I spent 3 hours last night trying to get it to work and it never did. So fuck it!

Kansas beat Loyola-Maryland 90-60 last night.

Missouri was tied at the half with UMKC but pulled out a win last night 96-76

Monday night KSU beat Savannah State 85-25. The interesting thing about this game was that Savannah State only scored one bucket in the entire second half. Was KSU defence that good or was the shooting that bad? I don't know I didn't watch the game.

Last Night On Conan

2008-01-08T19:14:00.000-06:00

My girlfriend was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien last night.

Heres the video:

And here is the song with better sound.

Yea, were dating she just doesn't know it... YET!

SEX-LOAF!

2008-01-07T21:41:00.001-06:00

Saturday after I ran errands I went over to Burt and Lonnie's apartment for dinner and some football watchin'. His nephew BC and his girlfriend also came over. I was duped into coming over for dinner because Burt was talking about how good Lonnie's meatloaf was, he had been saying that he hadn't had meatloaf since his mother passed a few years ago. So she made it for him a few weeks back and "nailed it the first time" as he says. I heard that and thought, what a tick, Lonnie made something other than grilled cheese or PB&J? I had to have some of this, I thought.

So I get over there, have a drink, and watch some football before the meal is ready. She made the whole spread, meatloaf, mashed tatters, biscuits, gravy, steamed veggies, the whole shebang. So now it's the moment of truth.

I will just say this and let my statement stand.

I took a bite and almost passed out from the onslaught of yummy-ness on my pallet. It was so good that I almost had sex with it. Srsly, y'all! You don't even what to know how good it was.

It's too bad she's going to drop a baby any second, or I would be demanding that she make it for me every day.

She doesn't make a Meatloaf she makes a SEX-LOAF!

Crap-ola!

2008-01-07T20:53:00.001-06:00

So after days of searching for my theme song for 2008 I have finally found it. But to my great disappointment it's not in Seeqpod. I looked though all 450 different songs (audio AND video) that the search gave me for the band. I can find the lyrics really easy. I guess because the song hasn't been released as a single yet, it's not in Seeqpod. Which totally killz my buzz. I can find it on Itunes and a lot of other places but I need to find a flash player (and a URL to the song) that I can embed in a post like I can with other Seeqpod songs or like a YouTube video. (They haven't yet made a video for it.) So it's not on YouTube yet either. I guess I could make my own video with the song in it but then, I'd have to come up with a video and that would take an eternity and a day!

Plus, if you look at the list of songs from the album that its on, the song I'm looking for is not even listed. I think it was a bonus track from Itunes.

WHATEVER!

It pisses me the fuck off. The song totally kicks ass.

It's pointless for me to post the lyrics for the song. You have to HEAR the song to get the full effect of it's rockin'ness.

If anyone can help me out I'd totally hook you up with my cousin. She's a great french kisser.

HELP!!

2008-01-07T14:57:00.000-06:00

I need y'alls help! I have searched and searched Seeqpod for a specific song and it's not fuckin' there!!

Does anyone know of another web site that will do the same things as Seeqpod. Mainly allow me to embed a song (a single song in this case) in to a post.

It's very important that you hear this song.

No, I'm not telling you what song.

OH WHATEVAR!!

2008-01-05T17:57:00.000-06:00

Today, I finally got off the couch and ran some errands. I stopped by the SIL's house and picked up some extra pics she had of the fam. They apparently mucked up the cutting and gave them to her for free. My pics won't be ready until Tuesday. I then went and picked out a frame from Tar-jay. They're like a 4x5 size which made it difficult to find a frame that would have fit all of them, but I did and I think I made a fine choice. I'll have to go back once my pics come in, but that's no biggie.

I also swung by Kansas Sampler and picked up one of these.

I get all my KU paraphernalia from there. They also have a shit load of KSU and MU stuff. They have equal amounts of stuff for each school and the store is separated by school so you MU deviants don't go wondering into KU or KSU area. It's a good place check it out. They also have a good selection of Chiefs and Royals stuff, but who's gonna buy that stuff?

Now, I can't decide if I want to go out tonight or not. If I chose to go out I would then have to shave and I don't want to shave. Because then I would just have to shave again Monday morning for work. It's a nice night for a January and I bet there will be some hot chicks out tonight.

I would then have to find some place to go and someone to go with. And what do with the movie that I rented last week? Which is do back tomorrow?

Anyway, I'll figure something out.

Peace out Y'all!

Not what you expect

2008-01-04T17:49:00.001-06:00

This is not going to be a post about how great it was to watch KU beat Virginia Tech in the Orange bowl last night. (Although it was.) Because I'm not a person that'll gloat about it. I will talk all the shit that anybody wants to, but when my team wins, I won't rub it in your face. That's what Missouri does and it's totally classless.

But what does bother me is when Kansans root AGAINST fellow Kansans. (Don't give me that crap about "The friend of my enemy is still my friend" bullshit.) You KSU Alumni, students, and boosters, should have been rooting for Kansas last night. When y'all root for anyone that's playing against Kansas, or when the Kansas populous root for anyone that plays against K-State for that matter, is really shame, and it hits my feeling. We Kansans need to stick together and develop some pride in our state.

When I was in the Marine Corps I would always get some lame ass line from those hillbilly backwater fucks from Texas about Kansas being a lame state. I'd always tell them that if Kansans wanted to, we could easily take over the United States. Or the fact that if the U.S.A. were to be invaded the invasion would come from the gulf because Texans couldn't hit the sky with an M-16 if they aimed it straight up. Then they would get pissed and I have to punch them in the face and stand over them yelling "Who's the tougher state now Fuckhead!"

But I'm getting off the subject here. What I'm trying to say is when the KSU population root for Missouri. When KU plays Mizzou, in any sport, you're basically giving your approval for SLAVERY!

And I know you wouldn't want to do that.

So, lets get over all the name calling and the hate fullness that was the '07 football season. And put forth all of our hated of each others schools towards the basketball season and those douche bags from Missouri.

Good luck to all of you, because you will need it. ROCK CAULK JAYHAWK GO KU!!!

Thursday Joke Part 3

2008-01-03T13:47:00.000-06:00

New Years Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!!

Thursday Joke Part 2

2008-01-03T13:43:00.000-06:00

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it

Thursday Joke Part 1

2008-01-03T13:42:00.001-06:00

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Family Pic

2008-01-02T18:27:00.001-06:00

I've been threatening to show you this family pic for a few posts now. I know you're JUST DIEING to see it! And because you waited patiently. I'm rewarding you with the greatest pic of them all. Mostly, because I'm in it and the little kids have not yet realized the full potential in their own awesomeness.

It's not the best quality because it was scanned in by the SIL. She did a good job though don't ya think?

The introductions:

The kids in white are half of the family I (and my younger brother C-boy) like to call "The Great Plains Drifters", (long story) you know their mom as "The SIS" and her husband is "The Coach". Nicole is (8 yrs) the one standing. Zach (5yrs) is the youngest in that family.

The ones in red are C-boys girls Sophia (3 yrs) and Isabelle, (11 m) or Izzy if you like. Their mother is known as The SIL. I think it's really funny the way Izzy is sort of shaking her fist at the camera man as If to say "I'm gonna get you. You sumbitch!" She would say it like Beuford T. Justice from The Smokey and the Bandits movies. HILARIOUS!

You know the one in charcoal gray as Audery (18 m). Do you remember her here? She's going to have a brother or sister in July. She's part of the D.C.Krew. Her mom's The Cajun, and her dad is K-dawg.

And I'm the Awesome fellow in the blue. My name is Darren a.k.a. "The D". All my friends call me "The D" so you can call me Darren. All these kids call me The D, or Uncle D.

Thanks to The SIL for scanning this pic and getting it to me, You're ACES!

If you want to see the rest email me. But I'm not giving the link out to everyone. I have to have meet you at least once or you have to be on my Facebook or Myspace pages. If you're a hot and single woman that might help you out also.

Day Off Random Shiznit

2008-01-02T17:13:00.001-06:00

Howdy! How's work going for y'all? I'm still off work. I had to take the 3 days off last week or else I would have lost them. I'm taking 3 days off this week off just because I wanted to to take it off.

Can you believe I haven't shaved my face all YEAR?! I know it's quite amazing! Especially since I really just can't stand having any facial hair whatsoever. It's just not my thing, ya know? But the good news is that I have in fact bathed a couple of times this year no matter what you heard! I just haven't shaved.

Today, I went to the bank inside the Getto-Fresh in Westpost. Flirted with the lady that was depositing my Darukah checks that I still get from Dorothy B. (grandmother.) But Savannah (I'm not kidding that was her name) was not having any of it. She must be a lesbian.

OH! Did you hear that LOST is coming back in less that 29 days! I'm so pumped I can't even tell you (I think I'll go out and get last season on DVD so I can catch back up. Its been almost a year when we last saw the Losties.

My pal Whitney tells me that, and I quote

"After one of the longest and most painful waits in television history, we can finally say that Lost returns this month with eight new episodes. A viral website launched this week at flyoceanicair.com, and it may provide a few hints about the upcoming installments. In it, a man asks for answers about a missing flight attendant.
If you haven't been watching the "Missing Pieces" webisodes at ABC.com, don't forget to catch up before the Jan. 31 premiere. Also, here's a cute video that recaps the first three seasons in 8:15 (get it?)."

I'll be watching the Webisodes later in the week. Just to see what they're all about.

Faith had an interesting piece about cooking some kind of creepy noodles today. I was going to comment on it but it just got to be too long. So I would like to respond here, if I may.

No? You don't want me to respond to her post? Well, then GET OUT!

Now, I'm just talking to myself and typing it out.

Back to what I was saying.

I can't cook. I've never been taught how too cook. When someone tells me, or the instructions on a box, tell me to boil water, I'm never sure what they mean. Do they just want a small stream of bubbles coming up, or do they want the whole thing boiling over like a mo-fo? I can never tell.

BUT! I can cook Mac and Cheese, I can bake chicken, and I can cook broccoli. (You don't even what to know how many chickens breast (hehe BREAST) I ruined before I got it right.) That right their is a whole meal folks. I like to cut the baked chicken into strips or cubes) and the broccoli in with the Mac and Cheese. Its quite tasty, but not as good as they have at McCoy's. (They put some kind of crazy ass oil in theirs, I don't do that, because of all the calories it adds.) I also like to put hot dogs in my mac and cheese. But, who doesn't do that? I have also read on a foodie blog a long time ago that someone liked to put salmon in their mac and cheese, but that seams a little over the top to me.

That's about it for me folks, talk at you manana! (Didn't know I spoke Spanish did ya?)

New Years Day Reminder

2008-01-01T14:07:00.001-06:00

Just wanted to remind all you homeowners (and some motivated apartment dwellers) that today is January 1st. Do you know what that means? No, you don't? Let me fill you in on one of the many rules that make my life so fucking awesome! And thusly makes your life more awesome by reason of osmosis, because you read this blog, or know me, or secretly want make sweet, sweet love to me.

Ever since I bought this house on Christmas Eve of 2004 I have put up Christmas lights on the outside of the house. When I closed on the house and took possession, the first place I went was to Target to get outdoor lights. On New Years Day of 2005 I instituted the Rule of Light Removal! Ever since then I have had the rule that all Christmas decorations, both inside and outside, MUST be removed, taken down, and or disposed of, on NYD. HUNGOVER OR NOT! There are no exceptions. (Exceptions being, if you're in the hospital, or the drunk tank. I have never been in either on a NYD anyway.)

If your hangover is too bad you can just toss them in a closet and then properly box them up at a later date if you want. (Been there done that.)

I don't want to see them in your apartment windows either. Take that SHIT down! It's offensive!

If you don't put up any Christmas decorations it's not my fault your an atheist and are going to hell.

Just be clad you don't live here.

FYI-I have already taken mine down, boxed them up and put them back in the closet.

I'm not going to...

2007-12-31T15:29:00.001-06:00

... do a year end top 10 list or any other top whatever the fuck list. Mostly, because everyone else has already done them. I'm not a trend follower, I'm a trend setter. I blaze my own trail just like I did in 2007 and I'll continue to blaze my own trail in 2008.
...do a year in review list because my year has been to kick ass to point out the high points. Every day has been better than the previous day. Don't believe me, it's documented right here just start in January and read until my awesomeness is oozing out of every one of your orifices.
...Bitch and whine that I only made one persons list of top 10 Kansas City blogs. I think these list only reflect the last few post of a blog and not the entire year of the author. Who else has achieved something so huge (that's what she said) that it has become a life changing accomplishment? It's the biggest achievement in The Kansas City blogsphere, hands down.
...Let some minor foot pain prevent me from doing something that I have always wanted to do, and WILL DO!
...Keep using bad grammar and spelling on purpose because I think it's funny, obviously non of you a-holes got the joke. I'm not the buffoon that you might think I am. It's time to start bringing this blog closer to the real man, the read The D, The real Darren.
...I'm not going to make a list of lame ass resolutions. They always fall to shit after January anyway.
...start the year off with a hangover.
...get my hopes up the the Chiefs, next season unless they make a coaching or General Manager change and make it quick. Same goes for the Royals, I'll believe it when I see it. But I'm not a fair weather fan, I will still wear my Chiefs red and my Royal blue around town and in other cities that I may visit in 2008.
...stay single much longer.
...go to work until Monday.

Excuse me, I have a question

2007-12-31T02:21:00.001-06:00

I don't watch a lot of reality TV shows, but I do watch a couple of them. The Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser and Survivor, are really the only ones I watch. (FYI, there is a reason The Amazing Race has won five Emmy's, it's hands down the best one of the bunch.) But The Biggest Loser is my personal favorite. On occasion I might watch the first episode of a new one if it looks interesting. I even have a channel on my Direct TV that is made up of nothing but reality shows it's called...wait for it... wait for it... Fox Reality (hmm, Fox has a reality channel imaging that!) they advertise it as

"Nobody knows reality TV like Fox, and nobody satisfies your demand for reality television like Fox Reality. With new takes on old favorites, behind-the-scenes action you will have to see to believe, and international reality favorites, Fox Reality is the ultimate fix for the millions who have made reality TV a sensation.

If you have Direct TV it's channel 250 if your interested. If you want it call your cable provider.

Anyway, here's my question as teams, or individual contestants, are voted off, or kicked off of these shows why do they keep introducing them at the beginning of the shows? It make no sense to me whatsoever. They don't keep introducing Bob Fuckin' Barker as the host of The Price Is Right, (America's favorite game show MY ASS!) Do they? No, they don't it's Mr. "I'm no longer funny so I'll take an easy gig as a game show host" Drew Carry. They don't introduce Tom "I'm a Pompous Ass" Brokaw as the host as the NBC Nightly News do they? No, they don't do that either. They introduce Brian "I Think I'm Cooler That You" Williams. So why do they keep introducing these obvious losers that are no longer on the show? I really need to know this because it annoys the shit out of me.

And I need to know the answer to this because I firmly believe that knowing is half the battle, and the other half having a bigger gun.

Christmas Recap: The Gift Opening

2007-12-30T21:31:00.001-06:00

At this rate I might be finished with these Christmas post in August, I was that busy!

Here are some random pics of the kiddies.

Audery is the mover of the clan she is never in one place for very long. And I think she can hear the camera cuse she starts to move even faster when I was trying to get a pic of her. Most pics she is just a blur. These are the best I could get.

She is 17 months old so there is always something in her mouth.

This is the best one. I think she is dancing to some Elmo song. That we had to hear OVER AND OVER.

Anyway, we always open gifts on Christmas eve at moms house. But the biggest gift this year was the news that The D.C. Krew will be growing by one this July. The Cajun (K-Dawgs wife) told mom by making her read a card out loud with a pic of the sonogram (I think that's what it's called) taped inside. I just hope they put the stem on the apple if ya know what I mean. Zach is the only guy so far.

C-Boys clan: Isabelle we also call her Izzy.

YUM! (bla!)

Have you ever tried that baby food? No wonder it's so difficult to get them to eat. IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!

Izzy is 10 months

Her older sister Sophia is 3 years old and thinks I'm REALLY FUNNY and she likes to say so! She says "DARREN'S FUNNY!" I don't know if that means funny looking or what.
We had just started opening gifts and it wasn't Sophia's turn yet so she said "I think I'll just relax a bit."

Admiring her My Little Pony something or other.

You have already see the picks of Nicole and Zach. So I'm not going to repost those.

I hope your Christmas was equally fantastic!

Christmas Recap: The Shopping Adventure

2007-12-29T22:11:00.000-06:00

Last year I told y'all how I go about my Christmas shopping so I'm not going to rehash it. But the crappy thing was that The Christmas Story wasn't going to be on until Christmas Eve, so I had to make some concessions. (And buying or renting the DVD is cheating so that was not an option.)

As far as what I gave to the little kiddies most of the girls got clothes from Children's Place, which I was commended on the selection. But there is still the underlying doubt between some of the women that I have some sort of secret shopper that I pay to pick out the actual clothes. Which I have denied time and time again. BUT! This time I had proof!

Here's the lowdown:

I went out shopping on Saturday the 22nd, I was planning on going to Oak Park Mall and hitting the JCPenny's for Zach's gift, which was a Chiefs helmet and full uniform sans the pads. He's 5 and already playing flag football. Any way I snagged the last one that was on the shelf. Which was pretty sweet and put me in to the Christmas shopping mood.

Here's the video of him opening it. SIS is working the camera and her voice is loudest.

Here's a couple of picks of him all decked out. Yes, he knows the Chiefs are lousy this year. But he is not a fair weather fan. Plus it's better than him rooting for the Raiders.

Anyway, as I was in the Children's Palace at Oak Park Mall, picking out the outfits for the rest of the girls. I hear someone yell "ZACH, GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" I say to myself "Self, that voice sounds familiar?" I turn around and it's The Sis with her two kids Nicole and Zach in tow. I yell "Hey lady can't you control those rambunctious kids?" I shout across the crowded store. "HEY, DARREN!" She shouts. Then Nicole comes over and says very sternly "Hey, Uncle The D your not supposed to be here! What are you doing here?" We then all exchanged hello's and all that stuff. I was kind of worried because I had Zach's gift right there at my feet in the Penny's bag! But he never noticed. I then showed SiS what I had picked out for Sophia, Izzy, and Audrey, and she approved of all the selections. So that should put to rest all of the rumors about me having a "secret shopper". My sis caught me red handed picking out the clothes myself. It was a total random meeting especially because she starts her Christmas shopping really early, like July or some shit.

I then went over to Target and bought a MP3 player for Nicole. This is her opening it.

It's a High School Musical MPS player. And she is very excited to have it!

Then I went to Best Buy to get a Gift Card for Sis husband "The Coach" ( he used to coach high school sports, mostly basketball). All in all it was a great day to be out shopping because of the show and it only took me 2 hours, from start to finish!

But my VERY pregnant pal Lonnie did all of the wrapping for me.

New Post

2007-12-28T10:28:00.000-06:00

Is that a generic title or what?

Just a quick "I'm sorry" to those of you that I texted or called last night at 2 am. If you didn't get one its prolly b/c 1) I don't have your number 2) I used to have your number but you bitched and whined so much about the last time I drunk dialed/texted you that I just deleted your number. Which also means we're not friends any more. 3) I didn't text every single person in my phone. So don't get your feelings hurt.

Now I need to walk up to The Twin and get my car and get some food. I still have a lot to do today. I thought a vacation was supposed to full of relaxation? I haven't relaxed once in the past week.

If your working this week then I feel sorry for you. I'm going sledging down suicide hill!

Peace Hommies!

Not much time

2007-12-27T17:37:00.001-06:00

I don't have a lot of time before the big shindig tonight with the brothers and the Bro-in-law. Ladies if your out on the town tonight we'll be the four sexy mo-fo's at the bar! (You should start praying now that I don't drunk text you at 3 am tonight.)

So I'll just give you the Cliff Notes of todays happenings.

Went out to order the family portraits but ended up not getting any because I didn't have an appointment. Yea, you have to have an appointment to view and order the pics. How lame is that? Even thought I can view the pics online and even order them online. Stupid I say. (I'm willing to share them with you but only if you email me and I've meet you in person. You want to see these pics, believe me.)

Got my oil changed, no big deal there.

I also picked up some supplies that I needed for a organizations banquet that I have been in charge of for the past 2 year. The banquet has been held every January for the past 88 years. Some of my responsibilities are taking care of the budget, the invitations, coordinating the people that are in charge of the food and booze. And keeping a database of all of the members which now numbers into the hundreds. So today and last night I spent alot of time making the address labels and name tags for the existing members and organizing spread sheets so it will begin to move a lot smoother. Now that I plan to set up a web site and move the whole process into the 21st century, or is it 22nd century, whatevar. It's a lot of work which I volunteered to do 2 years ago. This will be the first year I am actually trying to move everything from paper invitations and paper mailings to more of a online database.

That's all I have time for folks.
Be cool my Hommies!

Christmas Recap: The Bounty!

2007-12-26T23:05:00.000-06:00

To continue where we left off a few posts ago. With the Itunes gift cards I bought a bunch of random hard rock tunes that my Ipod had been lacking, such as some Def Leopard, Disturbed, Guns n Roses, Matchbox 20, Foo Fighters, Bon Jovi, Spoon, and for the cool down some Nicole Atkins, and Kayne West. I have not used the Penny's gift card yet. Even though I was at the mall today.

I have a pretty good video of my nephew opening his gift from me, and some great pics coming up in tomorrows post. Also, I have a story about my shopping adventure on the Saturday before Christmas that should put to rest all the talk about me having a "secret shopper" once and for all. We had a family portrait taken today which was pretty fun. So I'll have some thoughts on that as well in the next couple of post.

And if your nice to me (yea I'm looking at YOU!) I might post the family pics. I look fuckin' AWESOME!

Peace out, My Hommies!

Do Over

2007-12-26T16:17:00.001-06:00

This post was originally posted over at Smells Like Bullshit back in November of 2007. I wanted to repost it here because the links did not come through when I originally emailed it to Nightmare. The links are important because it gives you an idea of what I did while in the Marine Corps.

In a previous post on my site Nightmare asked me a very good question. As I was answering him I decided that it was just too long of an answer and decided to make it a post.

His question was "Why do you run? I have never understood the benefit of running. I lift weights, I am strong, I lift heavy things...people ask me to lift heavy things every day. I have never had anyone ask "Hey...can you start running now and I'll pick you up in 20 miles" Seems like a lot of wasted energy."

That's a really great question Night thanks for asking! It's a debate that has been going on since Moses wore shorts, and I pretty sure it was the case of the fall of the Roman Empire.

I first started running when I was in the Marine Corps back in the early 1990's while stationed at Camp Pendleton which is about an hour or so north of San Diego (you know that city named after a whales vagina.) If you've driven from San Diego to L.A. then you drive right though it. The San Onofre Nuclear power plant is right there (it looks like two really big tits) I started running then because I had to keep my weight down. But I was also in my early 20's then and I had a much faster metabolism then I do now. I would run 3 miles in the morning either in formation for our morning P.T. (Physical Training) and I would also run 3 miles at lunch. I also had to keep my time down in order to keep a perfect PFT (Physical Fitness Test) score of 300. At same time I was also lifting weights with the rest of the platoon. After liberty call we would all hit the gym and have lifting competitions. I don't think I need to tell you but I never won any of them. We'd have competitions for bench press, squats, dead lifts, and just about any other competitions that you can think of to prove who was the bigger man. The machismo was rampant! (It's funny to me now but I actually weight less now that I did back then.)

All though my 4 year service in the Marine Corps I lifted weights, when I was station aboard the U.S.S. Peleliu on our way to and from Somolia and Rwanda I was a member of what we called the 300 Club. The 300 Club was a small group of Marines in my battalion that could bench press 300 pounds at least one time. We'd have contest every Friday for any one that wanted to try to Marine UP! as we liked to say. But it's quite a different story trying to bench 300 pounds while the ship is rolling and pitching.

When I was Honorably Discharged in September 1994 I stopped lifting because the weights just go to be way to heavy.

As to why I run now, I always thought I got a better work out from running. I enjoy the time alone to think about things that may be bothering me or just to have some time alone. It also will burn more calories than lifting weights in the same amount of time. You can't burn 1000 calories in an hour lifting weights but you can running, if you run fast enough. That's is why I always thought I would get a better work out running that I did lifting. As many people know you only work a certain part of your body, wether you work just your arms, or shoulders, back, chest, or legs. Running you work your whole body.

One benefit of running is that when you and your lady are walking down the street and some coked out idiot comes and swipes her purse and keeps running. Would a person who lifts be able to run after him and catch the dude? Probably not, those coke heads are fast! Your muscles won't be used to the endurance. But a runner will catch him. But on the same thought could I crush some ones face like a piece of glass with one punch? Probably not, but a weightlifter could.

Weight training has a lot of benefits also, if you want to lose weight most trainers and those in the health field will tell you to lift weights. Now, this might seem dumb to you, but let me drop some knowledge on ya'll. The more muscle mass you have the higher your resting metabolic rate will be be which means you will burn more calories while sitting at your desk than some fatty sitting across from you. You don't have to have huge muscles to have high muscle mass. You can just have really dense, hard muscles. This is why women have a much harder time losing weight than men do. We men as a gender have larger muscle mass therefore our metabolic rate is higher.

Also a really great benefit to running is when I get drunk star talking shit, or spill a drink down your shirt. I'll be able to get up and run away before you start pummeling me.

That's it for me folks check ya on the flip side.

Christmas Recap

2007-12-26T15:16:00.001-06:00

Christmas this year has been pretty kick ass so far, and its still not over yet, with everyone still in town until Saturday.

Lets start the recap with a list of all the bounty that I took home from Christmas Eve at moms:

1. Gift Cards from Itunes and JCPenny's.

End of list.

That's a pretty short list huh? But it's exactly what I wanted. I told everyone too pool their money and get me one gift card from a list of stores that I gave them. They choose JCPenny's which I'm totally cool with, I told them to get me one gift card because I need a whole new wardrobe after losing 85 pounds. I figure it's much easier to spend a few hundred bucks at one store on clothes than it is to spend 50 at one store, and 50 at another.

I took a butt load of pics and I'm having a hard time choosing which ones to post of the kids (I don't post pics of the adults.)

More later...

Family Fun!

2007-12-24T14:50:00.000-06:00

I don't have a whole lot of time to tell you about the kick ass shopping adventure I went on last Saturday. Or how I have already started tormenting the kids in the family, or the adventure I took to pick up the D.C.Krew from the airport this afternoon. Or how much of a computer genius I am.

Because Family Fun requires my attention.

So I'll just wish you all a Happy Christmas.

And leave you with a couple of my favorite Christmas videos. I'm going to stay away from the Oh Holy Night version because there are so many awesome ones.

If this one doesn't get you laughing your ass off then check your pulse.

Question

2007-12-22T11:40:00.000-06:00

Does anyone know how to create a blog post using a cell phone?

I want to start phoning in my post. I want to be able to have a specific phone number that I can record a post to, then have it either posted with a player or converted to text and have that text automatically posted.

Something similar to my twitter updates but I have to send those in via text message, and that takes to effing long.

Any ideas on how I can get this done?

Help a bratha out will ya?

Hey, I have an Idea!

2007-12-21T16:41:00.000-06:00

O.k. this is a GREAT idea, that I just stumbled about all myself. I think you'll like it. It's like the best idea evar!

I want everyone to do this for the next 2 weeks or so or even better yet you can do it until your like 90 years old.

If I don't post again before Christmas I want you all to have a happy Christmas and a Merry New Year. And I mean that from the heart of my bottom! See what I did there I switched the Merry and the happy, then I swapped the heart and bottom!! HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK I'M FUNNY!!

Later Gators

Heres Something Weird

2007-12-21T16:29:00.000-06:00

I’m getting pretty bored sitting here entertaining myself by hitting all of the blogs in my Google Reader, (which is not the same list as the list on the left there) and making stupid and inappropriate comments. It’s a good time though.

I also made an interesting discovery that I thought you might be interested in hearing about.

As I was sitting in my cubicle today my brain started itching, as I was scratching my brain I noticed that I can get my picky finger of my right hand, in my right nostril in all the way to the first knuckle! Isn’t that amazing! But while I was digging for gold a little while later I noticed that I can only get it to the end of the fingernail in the left nostril.

Is that weird?

Here’s a video:

I’m kidding there is no video

Christmas Songs

2007-12-21T16:02:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to go as in depth as Erin did becasue it's WAY too much effort. Also I'm a lazy turd and have shopping to do.

Now THESE are Christmas Classics! Y'all betta recognize!

Shopping?!?!?

2007-12-21T15:24:00.000-06:00

How come none of you jerks told me Christmas was Tuesday?

Now I have to do all my shopping tonight!

Here is the shake down:

MP3 player for the oldest niece (8 yrs old). Target
Football helmet for the nephew (5 yrs old). JcPenny's
Clothes for the 3 year old niece (Children's Place or Mady & me)
Clothes for the 8 month old (Children's Place or Mady & me)
Gift card for who ever I have in the drawing, which I should probably look up.

That will take 4 shops and prolly 2 hours.

That ladies and gents is how you Christmas shop. I will be in and out of each shop in less that 30 minuets. If you prepare you save time and effort.

UPDATE: Opps! Looks like I forgot the 17 month old neice! OR did I actually already get her something. Oorr, did I leave her off intentinally becasue I didn't want anyone knowing what I got her.

Royal Screw Job

2007-12-21T15:21:00.000-06:00

I got the royal screw job today at the office. But that’s all I’m going say about that. I was told that we were good to go, but appaertly we were'nt, so I had to actually work today, the day before my 2 week va-ca.

It was crap.

Anyway, I'm back to Rock Star status.

Peace Homies!

Thursday Joke: CHRISTMAS EDITION HOMMIES (part 2)

2007-12-20T15:12:00.000-06:00

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Thursday Joke: CHRISTMAS EDITION BEOTCHES! (part 1)

2007-12-20T15:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge!

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

**********************************

HOLY FUCK! HOW LONG WAS THAT? (that's what she said!)

Mylow Open The Door?

2007-12-20T10:01:00.000-06:00

As I'm sitting here working in my cube a song comes on my Ipod that I remember from my youth. It's by one of the greatest guitarist of one of the greatest bands of all time. The artist Pete Townsend from The Who.

I mention this to you today because, as I was listening to the song I remember thinking to myself. Self (that how I get myselfs attention when I have something to say to myself) "Who the hell is Mylow and why does he need to open the door?" At lease, that's what I used to think the title of the song was when I was much younger, like a teenager.

Well after years past I finally got a clue and figured out that the actual name of the song is "Let MY LOVE open the door."

Here's what I'm talking about.

I tell you this today because I know ALL of you have mucked up a song title or too in your day. I want to know which song, what you thought it was and what the real name of the song was.

Cause I know we have all done it.

Post Script: Joke Thursday gets posted at lunch.

HEY, ASSHOLE!

2007-12-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

So some dude, Dr. Robert I. Sutton (PhD) wrote a book called "The No Asshole Rule", in Chapter 4 of said stupid book there is a test to see of you are an asshole.

Now you can take this test on line.

So go take this lame ass test and come back and tell me how big of an asshole you are. So if I ever meet you then I'll know to stay the fuck away from you. Because I don't like assholes because they smell like shit.

Find out about the book here.

I found this link from Team Building is for Suckers she's hilarious, one of my fav blogs not in Kansas City.

Lemon Party?

2007-12-18T21:27:00.000-06:00

The other day I was watching the latest episode of 30 Rock, which is one of my fav's. In this episode Liz's Lemon's (Tina Fey) parents come to visit her at the studio. While she is introducing them to her boss Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) Liz father says, "You can't have a Lemon party without old Dick." If you did not see the episode Liz fathers name is Dick. (It does not matter what the rest of the characters names are for this post.)

Anyway after Dick says that line there was a slight pause by the actors. Which got me thinking, did I just miss a joke or something? What did he mean by a "Lemon Party?" What is a "Lemon Party"? But I just forgot about it an enjoyed the rest of the episode. But after a few days it started to get on my nerves. What the hell did he mean by that? Surely, I didn't just miss the joke did I?

So this weekend I Goggled "Lemon Party"... HOLY SHIT!! O.M.G!!! You guys... You guys... HOLY SHIT... YOU GUYS!!! Y'all aren't even going to believe some of the vile shit I found. Y'all don't even want to know what I found!! It's some of the most disgusting stuff I have ever see! (second to this stuff of course)

I'm not going to link to it because I'm still ashamed of that other post I put up a few days ago, you'll just have to Google it yourself.

But I'll will tell you what it is, a "Lemon Party" is apparently "A nice little orgy involving three older, overweight men with flaccid penises." See I told you it was disgusting.

Here is a funny video that will make you a understand what I mean, or make you a little uneasy seeing how Christmas is next week and you might see your Grandpa.

So, now that you all know what a Lemon Party is, you also understand get the line from 30 Rock "You can't have a Lemon party without old Dick." Which is now pretty funny. It also started me down this vile and disgusting journey just to understand a line from a TV show.

I'm truly sorry from the heart of my bottom. But I had nothing else to post about.

P.S. That video is totes NFSW!!

Weekend Fun

2007-12-17T20:26:00.000-06:00

Friday night I just chilled out at the house. Saturday The EYE-talian, Scooter, his wife, and I, (The D) went to the KU game at the Sprint Center.

Scooter scored some tix from someone that had VIP tickets to the Founders Room.

The beers were 7 BUCKS!!

Best 7 dollar beer EVAR!

On to the game! These 2 picks were taken one after the other. This one is not zoomed in at all (yea were way the fuck up there but they were kind enough to hand out free oxygen masks.)

And this one is taken right after with the FULL ZOOM!!

Doesn't that zoom just kick ass! (This is where you can insert your own joke about a zoom lens and my penis.)

Here I am concentrating on either the game or the cheerleaders or both. It was cold in the Sprint Area so I kept my scarf on the whole game.

And what kind of blogger would I be if I went to a sporting event and didn't include some cheerleader picks? Here ya, go your welcome;

That spot is some jerks bald head.

Here are some random game actions shots: HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

Time out, Bill wants to talk this over.

Darrell Arthur at the line.

After the ass whipping we put on Ohio the 4 of us head over to McFadden's for some tasty libations.

These are random peeps.

I probably just said something inappropriate to some random chick. Oh, well!

After Mcfadden's we headed to Westport where Scooter dropped the EYE-Tailian and I off at Kelly's. I was rocking the Escalade!

We had one drink at Kelly's then we headed to the Point. Where I my buddy B.C. was working. We had a bunch of drinks there. Then The EYE-talian had to go cause he was wasted. I then headed down to J.J's to crashed a G.N.O that some of my pals were having. It made their night that I showed up.

When I got there Abby started yelling at me b/c I was "apparently" wearing my scarf wrong. So my new pal Baywatch fixed it.

I really don't know whats up with these faces I'm making.

No I wasn't drunk at ALL!

Anyway Peace out my Homies!
Thanks for reading!

Hella Busy!

2007-12-17T20:17:00.000-06:00

So, I'm hella busy at work this week so post might be a little light. I'm going have to work 12-15 hours days to get this submittal out on Friday. Then I'm off for 2 weeks. Just like last year, I'm thinking about just bolting out of town after Christmas and blowing my whole bonus check on blow and hookers in Key West.

Who's with me?

Enjoyable?

2007-12-16T19:15:00.000-06:00

That Chiefs game was about as enjoyable as a blowjob from a great white shark.

Tonight I'll be watching SuperBad. Don't call I won't answer.

Proud!

2007-12-16T12:09:00.000-06:00

Y'all will be happy to know that I went out last night with the fellas and did NOT send any drunk text nor did I make any drunken phone calls.

I'm pretty proud of myself. You should be too.

On a side note, is there anything better that a Diet Cherry coke on a cold winter day? I think not.

Now I'm going to watch the Chiefs lose to the Titans.

Late.

Did You Know

2007-12-16T11:33:00.001-06:00

Did you know that, IN FACT, rock and roll is, IN FACT, NOT noise pollution!

Heres proof!

So know you know... and knowing is half the battle.

Peace out my Homies!

Don't Watch

2007-12-16T11:16:00.000-06:00

Whatever you do don't watch this video if you've eaten, you'll puke, I made it 6 seconds in, then I had to shut it off. It was the sound effects that turned me off.

It's quite disgusting, if you haven't clicked on it yet think 2girls1cup.com

Oh yea, totes NSFW srsly, totes NSFW!!!

I found it via Don't H8torade.

Scared

2007-12-16T11:07:00.001-06:00

I can't even begin to tell you how scared I am of this girl right now. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm terrified of all of the American Gladiator chicks but slightly aroused at this one.

And I could totally kick all the dudes asses.

Busy, Snowy Saturday

2007-12-15T10:03:00.000-06:00

I have a boat load of stuff to do today like hitting the Walgreens, and Kansas Sampler, and the grocery store, shoveling the sidewalk and driveway and finish putting up the Christmas lights, among others. After I just finished 4 hours at work. I went in at 6 this morning b/c I couldn't sleep with the snow falling and making all that noise on the roof... (?)

Anyway..., I'm putting in the O.T. so I can take some monster PTO starting Friday.

Here are some picks of the snow that came last night. Notice that the street still hasn't been plowed or treated and it's already 10 am, WTF?

From the front door.

From the back door.

Y'all have a nice weekend. I'll be out tonight. So, say hello if ya see me.

Can't Wait

2007-12-14T12:17:00.000-06:00

For you Lost fans here is a clip of the next season which starts in Feb of 2008. This up coming season was supposed to play out with no repeats but I don't know how the strike will effect that plan.

I can't FREAKIN' WAIT!!

Thanks to Pop Candy!

P.S. You can get the last season on DVD now. In case you missed it or can't remember what happen last season.

Thursday Joke

2007-12-13T21:25:00.000-06:00

How come no one reminded me today was Thursday?

Ike Turner died this week, now who is going to teach the young men of today how to beat their wives? (swoosh, dodges pan) What too soon?

I'm feelin' a bit naughty, how about some dirty sexy jokes?

Jack & Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her fanny, Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cause Jill’s a fuckin’ tranny.

A young man had just came home with his date, when things got a little bit
passionate he asked her for sex.
She replied "no, I’m saving myself for when i get married."
"Fine." he said, "How about a blow-job?"
She said "No I’m not putting my mouth on that filthy thing!"
"How about a hand-job?" he asked.
"What’s that?" she asked
"Remember when you were you were a kid and you shook soda pop bottles
and sprayed them at your brother? It’s sorta like that." he explained
Then she began shaking his penis furiously when he threw his head back in pain, with snot blowing out of his nose and wax blowing out of his ears.
"What’s the matter?" she asked.
"Take your thumb off the end!"

Q. Whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A. A bitch will use your camera when she fucks the guy next door.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball more than anything.(you know the story) So all the sudden the fairy God mother appears and says she will make it so Cinderella can go to the ball. The fairy god mother says to Cinderella "the only thing is you have to be back home by midnight or i will turn your pussy into a pumpkin!" So Cinderella agrees and goes to the ball, she is having a great time and loses track of time. Before she knows it, its after midnight. The fairy god mother appears and says "Cinderella i told you what would happen if you weren't back my midnight....so POOOOOOF! all the sudden Cinderellas pussy turns into a pumpkin.....The fairy god mother turns to Cinderellas date and says "What do you think of that? He replies that's OK because I'm peter peter the pumpkin eater!

Have a Happy Friday!

No Kidding?

2007-12-13T12:15:00.000-06:00

For those of you that know me, know that I drink 2 things. Beer and Rum and cokes, (and whatever you're buying). So this should come as no surprise.

Thanks, Erin!

Code 2

2007-12-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

It was just announced that there was/is a "Code 2" happening in the first floor men's room. Now everyone is wondering "What’s a Code 2"?

Is this something I should be worried about? Are there levels of severity of the Code? Each getting worse and worse like the DEFCON hierarchy? Is there someone in trouble and needs my help?

Is there a hooker giving free BJ’s in the men's room? Is there a doctor giving free physicals in the men's room?Who is in the men's room on the first floor?

We don’t occupy the first floor in this building. Why are they even there? Are we being invaded?

Do I have to bust out my Marine Corps hand to hand combat skillz. In which I could kill a man twice before he hits the ground.

Is this Code 2 covered in the employee manual? If so, what chapter, because I don't remember it.

Anyway, I wonder if they are going to announce that the Code 2 is over with. Probably not.

What other question should I ask to my superiors to annoy them today?

And The Winner is...

2007-12-12T10:57:00.000-06:00

Remember last week when I told you about the Merriam-Webster Word of the year Competition?

You don't?

We'll I fucking did and here's proof, Jerkoff! (btw, you should read those comments. There're a couple of winners in there.)

Anyway, the winner had been declared, envelope please, and the Winner of the 2007 Word of the year Competition is... "w00t" - which means expressing joy (it could be after a triumph, or for no reason at all); similar in use to the word "yay"

And before I forget, the correct spelling according to M-W IS in fact with two zeros and NOT two o's. So, if you're going to give me shit about my spelling you can go suck a fat babies dick.

Slackers

2007-12-11T13:18:00.000-06:00

For those of you that are too afraid to venture out into the Ice Storm of 2007 (that never was) I’d just like to let you know that the roads are only wet. Although I was 2 hours late it’s time like these that managers know who really cares about the company, and it's customers, and who the reliable, hard working, dependible, people are that work for them.

I just want to give you a little song that may make you feel better about sitting at home trying to work (yea right). While the rest of us are picking up more (YOUR) work so you can sit at home floggin' the dolphin.

Tardy

2007-12-11T10:55:00.000-06:00

Lost power sometime in the middle of the night.

Woke up 2 hours late. With the clock flaching 3:17 which means the power had been back on for 3 hours and 17 min.

Two hours late for work.

Would anyone notice?

Apparently not.

Because 85% of your department has already called in sick for the day.

Thusly causing you to pick up their slack.

Collecting Debts

2007-12-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

Today Emaw is paying a his debt to me. This bet stems from a wager that we'd agreed upon back in October. I will not get into all the sordid little details of who bet what and all that jazz, because I was probably wasted at the time but I do remember that it did involve, a few nekked ladies, and some sort of measuring device, at least that is how I remember it. Either way he lost. So today I'm over there defiling his blog. So go check it out.

I have one more bet to collect and hope to have that finished my the end of the year.

All I want for Christmas..

2007-12-09T18:48:00.000-06:00

...is a real football coach for the Kansas City Chiefs. Please Santa, please bring us Bill Cowher. He's the only logical, and available choice.

You would not only be doing us, the great citizens of Kansas City, a solid but you'd also be saving him from that pompous ass Shannon Sharpe. You know who that is right? He's that guy with a girls name on CBS pre-game show.

Please Santa, that's all I want.

And Santa, I love you (no homo)

Yup, This is About Right

2007-12-09T18:36:00.000-06:00

This is about how I feel about todays Chiefs game and the entire season.

Yea, it was that painful to watch it.

THE ICE STORM OF 2007! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

2007-12-08T10:28:00.000-06:00

Today in Kansas City we're having The Ice Storm of 2007! And according to Devon Lucie of KCTV we will all die. Or at least most of us. Devon does nice job of giving us the details of the weather (btw, how old is this dude 12?) but he just does not instill enough fear like his boss Katie Horner does so for me to get really scared about this storm then they better get Lady Doomsday in there pronto or I'm just going to ignore Devon instructions.

Devon tell us the we should stay off the streets because there have already been hundreds killed* in accidents. The streets are a complete sheet of ice. There is not a paved road way in the city that does not have at least 2 inches of ice on it! That includes sidewalks, parkways, driveways, over passes, and your fat girlfriends ass!

O.k Devon YOU stay off the streets! I for one will be out about 12 today once I get hungry again. I just had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios (it's quite possibly the greatest cereal ever!) and since I only have a bottle of Bacardi, a 12 pack of Diet Coke, 13 Bud lights, and about 10 Boulevard Wheats to consume in the house, and no actual "food". Then I'm going to have to hit the Price Chopper on Stateline and 76th. (I go there because it's in the land of MILF's and Hoes.)

If I follow Devon's advice and not go out then I'm going to have to drink all that booze myself, and when I get drunk, bored, and lonely, bad things tend to happen. And since I'm not a RAGING alcoholic, and by raging I mean I don't start drinking before 11:30 a.m., I'm not going to do that.

Devon just told me that freezing rain is just precipitation that falls from the sky and freezes. WTF?? HOLY SHIT! That's what freezing rain is? I never knew that, thanks for pointing that out JACKASS! Where did they find this dude, Canada? (No offense to the Canadians that read this. I love Canada, you're Americas hat! We love ya, stay classy!

Devon is also telling people how they are going to die today! By freezing to death! If you lose power then you're FUCKED like a Philippine whore during fleet week, six ways to Sunday! I have a fat neighbor that I can cut open and crawl inside of for warmth. But if my power goes out during the KU game On ESPN (in HD) at 1 o'clock. (That reminds me I should probably take a shower how while I still have hot water) then I'm going to head up to The Cities Twin Tavern and hang there until they fix it. (I'll update my status, by cell phone, at the top there if the power goes out.)

Good luck to all of you today in your survival of the the ICE STORM OF 2007. And God Speed to you all. If you die let me know so I can take you off my blog roll will ya? Just because your dead is no excuse to be rude.

*that number may or may not be right.

The List

2007-12-06T11:28:00.000-06:00

A Few weeks back I was turned on to a web site called Very Short List.com by So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year in Reading. (Yes, I am aware of the irony that I read a blog about books. When the last book I read was Green Eggs and Ham.)

Shaddup, Whaterva!

It’s a web site that will email you a “very short list” Umm, duh? The list is only one item long. It can be anything from another web site, a book, a band, a CD, a movie, a DVD, a TV show, a Web video, pretty much anything.

I thought it was interesting and I signed up and I have not regretted it since!

So far I have been turned on to a web site where I can see every sunset in the world. (Even though I prefer a sunrises because I think sunrises signal a new day, a new life, and new opportunities. Sunsets, although, equally beautiful, remind me of the end of the day, the end of a life or, the end of missed opportunities.

They have turned me on to the music of Okkervil River, Harp Magazine (I’ve never heard of it either) calls The Stage Names the best album of 2007.) I don’t know about all that, but it is a good album.

Another good website this list turned me on to is one called Oddee.com. It a web site that compiles the top “oddities of our world” The list says “No matter how zany the topic, the science and the people behind it are perfectly serious.” Some of the topics from this site are “The 10 Most Bizarre People on Earth” (I was surprised not to see some bloggers on this list.) The 10 Most Bizarre (but Real!) Personal Ads ever”) Those are just two of some of the best list ever. Check it out. You wont regret it.

I have even considers buying a book consisting of nothing but subway maps. I really don’t know why, but I want this book.

Those are just a few of the kick-ass things that this daily email has turned me on too in the last two weeks.

Do yourself a favor and sign up for it, you won’t be disappointed. You can browse their archives if you want to before you commit.

Thursday Joke

2007-12-06T09:17:00.000-06:00

(For those of you who have daughters, or those of you who are daughters)

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy)

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early’.

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

WORD! To Yo Motha!

2007-12-05T13:37:00.001-06:00

Merriam-Webster is holding it's traditional (2nd year) Word Of The Year competition. Last year, the word “truthiness” won with an astonishingly huge (no homo) margin of victory of 5 to 1. But last year it was a free for all. This year they limited your votes to only 20 candidates.

Voting closes on Friday 12-7.

Your choices are:
apathetic, babymoon, blamestorming, charlatan, conundrum, cruft, eleemosynary, facebook, hypocrite, linkability, melancholy, pecksniffian, pretentious, pugnacious, quixotic, sardoodledom, sputum, subpoena, vanity sizing, and, w00t

I’m going to vote for whom ever can make a sentence out of one of these words and make it sound dirty.

It's Come to This?

2007-12-04T21:32:00.001-06:00

It should come as no surprise to anyone that reads this blog on a regular basis that I treat this thing as my own personal on-line singles add. If it does come as a surprise then you haven't been paying attention. I put myself out there and you get what you get and what you get is 100% Darren a.k.a. The D

So imagine my surprise when I get this in my myspace inbox today.

This might sound a bit odd, but First of all, let me point out that I am not a Spammer!!! I am a real live person! My name is (whateva) and I work for bla bla bla in Overland Park KS. I am writing you to ask if you are A) single and B) interested in possibly coming in to meet with the owner of our company? I am the Membership Services Director, and right now we are in need of men in your age range as we have far more women than men at this time. We would be willing to offer you a considerable discount on the service if you think this is something you could be interested in.
If you ARENT interested, then that's no problem.
If you ARE, I would just like to invite you in for an interview that will take about an hour or so of your time, in which you can take a look at ALL of our female members to see if you might have an interest and to meet directly with the owner of the company.
Our fees are usually about 50-70 dollars a month, but I think I can get the owner down to something like 15-30 dollars a month.
We could really use you in our service. Please let me know if you are interested and I can set something up. There is absolutely NO obligation to just come in and check us out. You may find that you are not interested, and that is fine. But you'll never know if you don't come in and see for yourself.
Let me know.
Thanks,

Name withheld

(because I don't want to get in trouble.)

Srsly! Are you FUCKING kidding me?!?!?!

Am I right to be just a little bit pissed off at this? Because I'm single some stranger thinks I am that desperate enough to try online dating. I will die the scary old man of the neighborhood before I try on-line dating. Rude ass fuckers!

If on-line dating has worked for you then good for you. But it's not for me.

Randon Thoughts

2007-12-04T13:17:00.000-06:00

1. Queen Latiah is gay? And this affects me how?

2. Ashley Tisdale got a nose job. Who is she again? (Besides hot of course, I already knew that.) She wouldn’t have needed a nose job if she would have just done the frackin’ dishes like her old man told her too!

3.Chimp out smarts man! Just to be clear, this test was not taken by Chimpotle.

4.Can some one explain to me what the big deal is with Radiohead?

5.The Kansas City Chiefs have the WORST receiving corps in the league. Those jack-asses couldn’t catch clamidia in a whore house in the Philippines.

6.Would someone please tell Shannon Sharpe to SHADDUP!! He’s about as good at public speaking, as I am at typing, spelling, and grammar. And we all know that ain’t good.

7. The Yedi Has returned. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! OR, “Son, get my gun we’s goin’ huntin’!”

8. Right now I’m listening to Huey Lewis & the News “Power of Love” THE REMIX!! BITCHES!!

9. The term “PorkChop” is apparently offensive to Hispanics. Can some explain this to me? Why is this offensive?

10. Would someone please make Stephen A. Smith of ESPN stop SCREAMING at me, PLEASE! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Why is he so pissed off allthe time? And what’s his problem with Bloggers?

Mr. Fix It

2007-12-03T21:03:00.000-06:00

I was apparently having some formatting issues in Firefox browsers, but not in Internet Explorer, that's IE for all you techies, with the post titled Rearranging the Furniture. Which is not at all what I thought it was at first.

Sunday, I downloaded the newest version of Windows Live Writer which has some updated options in it from the last version. I wrote three of the four post in it yesterday. I use it because I like to write my post off-line without having to be on blogger for some times hours at a time. So I naturally thought it was one of those 3 post so I had to copy each one into Word before I deleted them. Then, I had too repost them one at time to figure out which one it was exactly. So using deductive reasoning, whatever the hell that is, I figured it was that post.

The crappy thing is that I lost all of the comments. I still have them on the Haloscan web site, but they're no longer attached to their respective post.

But what are ya gonna do? Can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm sure if it's still jacked up you'll let me know. Won't cha?

Sorry for the inconvenience of having them show up as new post in your reader again. But it's all fixed now. And it only took me about 20 min.

Some times I'm just too smart for my own good.

Rearranging the Furniture

2007-12-03T20:24:00.000-06:00

On my va-ca I made some changes to some of the stuff I have in the two side columns. I dumped the countdown clock because Darukah has ended. I know you're sad (there, there) but you'll be all right. There will be another one in just 12 short months, plus you should be looking forward to the recap post.

I also dumped the clock, did anyone even know about it or look at that thing?

I also removed the Birthday List of post from my 36th birthday. Just thought it was time for that list to go to the farm.

I added some choice blogs to my blog roll, like Just Cara, I, Shane, and Team Building is For Suckers. All have been part of my daily read for a few months so I thought it was about time I shared them with you.

I added a new widget called "The Throne" where I will add some of the best post from the blogsphere. Some will be my favorite post of all time, some will be the best from the past week that I have read. I will mostly be using it for some of the best post from blogs that I currently don't link too but are in my Google Reader list. Think of it as a list of the best from the previous week. But don't be surprised if you find yourself in The Throne. It's a good thing.

One thing that I did NOT do on my blogger va-ca was piss in a towel, like those Heathen Hillbillies from the Flint Hills.

And one of these days I'll fill out that special thanks spot.

Hi How are ya?

2007-12-03T20:05:00.000-06:00

I'm back from my blogger vacation. I took a vacation because I wasn't feeling very good about this blog and the direction that it was headed. I took some time off to think about it and get my thoughts in order (they still aren't in order, btw). It basically boils down to why I started blogging and what I had intended for this blog to be, which, in it's current state, is not at all what I had envisioned it to be at this point.

I was looking over some post from the past few months and I realized that I was completely and utterly bored with the whole entire thing. Post after post that I read I became more and more bored with the whole thing. This blog has become a boring journal of my life, which is not boring at all, (at least I don't think so) and not at all what I had envisioned when I started blogging a year and a half ago.

I have to make a decision.

Quite the whole thing all together. Which would mean I would have to explain why I was quitting, and force me to revealing some more intensely private aspects of myself that I'm not comfortable revealing to the entire world. It's one of the pitfalls of having a blog like this one. A "slice of life" blog as they call it. (I don't know who "they" are, btw) How much do I reveal about myself and still keep it semi-anonymous? If its even anonymous at all at this point.

I've looked into switching to WordPress just so I could password protect certain post, if I wanted to, and then I could control who would read particular post. But then that would just end up pissing someone off because I would have to deny them access to certain post. I'm not about to start making enemies, that's not what I'm about. I would still give access to the Lurkers and the Stalkers, because I don't give a shit what those people think of me. Their opinion makes about as much difference to me as whether or not someone flushed the toilet after using it in Antarctica or not. It's the people who I know who read this blog, I care what they think, and I care about their opinion of me. To the point of censoring myself. And I'm not very good at that.

I could start another blog, abandon or delete this one, and start all over again, with a new blogger ID and a new blog. Sort of a do-over or as they say in the NFL "replay the down". But I really don't want to do that.

I could just make some changes to the kind of stuff I blog about. Stop talking about certain things that might be a little too personal. Stop with the TMI.

I'm going to try #4 until I go on my two week Christmas break from work, which I MUST take or I lose all that vacation time, on the 17th.

On a good note Mizzou lost! HAHAHAHA, CHOKERS!!! You never had a chance against Oklahoma.

Determination

2007-12-03T20:03:00.000-06:00

Do you think you have determination? Before you answer, watch this video. It's a video of the finish line at a girls high school cross country race. It's an old video that first made it's way around the web at the beginning of November.

Here's the story. From The Big Lead:

This is rather tremendous, and the unidentified girl may have a chance to enjoy 15 minutes of fame once her name becomes public: at about the (5:34) 1:39 mark of this clip, you’ll notice a blonde Berkshire (Ohio) high school runner approaching the finish line at the State cross country meet recently. She takes a bad step and, according to the person who sent us this clip, broke her tibia and fibula. She crumbles to a heap on the ground, crawls for a bit and then pops back up in an attempt to reach the finish line. Only she collapses again (that fall is particularly cringe-worthy). At this point, she decides to crawl on her hands and knees for about the final eight yards to the finish line. Spectacular work, unidentified female.

Keep watching as the dude in the yellow hat comes over to her and helps her to her feet, watch as she tries to put her weight on her leg. Then watch her foot dangle like a useless piece of flesh when he carries her off the screen.

I ask again, How much determination do you have? I'll save you the time and the realization that this woman is more man that you, and tell you that you don't.

UPDATE: READ THIS Bitches! Here's the whole back story from ESPN You'll start to feel better.